Interview day ...

So, it was just a screening interview for Jordan School District, but an interview still the same. I was pretty nervous for it anyway! I had made plans to go to the temple on Thursday to get a little extra help/peace from on high, but applied to jobs till it was too late to go. Sometimes if I get started doing something that really has no end, I can go for a really long time. The same thing is true with cleaning. Sometimes if I start, I won't stop til everything is clean. Also, I was making up for a slow start in the morning. Anywho, back to my original point. I didn't go to the temple. So, I seT myself an alarm for 6:45 and told myself I would go before the interview. HA! That didn't happen. My interview was at nine o clock in South Jordan, but somehow I got it in my head that it was at ten... So I pushed snooze several times, and luckily woke up at 8:18... I slowly was getting ready when suddenly I thought oh no! I have the time wrong. Checking in my calendar confirmed that I was going to be LATE. So I hurriedly got ready (I didn't even shower... Don't tell anyone, but with this great new hair cut it is super easy to do curly and looks pretty great I think). I was out the door at 8:45 it the directions said it would take 45 minutes to get there. So, I am silently freaking out in my head, but I called the woman who was to interview me and told her of my mistake, and that I would be late. I didn't tell her how late! She said ok, but I thought, "there is no way they are going to hire me now, I'm already 20 points behind because I am late."

I pressed on anyway, praying to Heavenly Father to somehow lend a hand here. I made it in 30 minutes, not 45, so that was a blessing. Then I just had to get control of my nerves and present myself well. Teaching interviews, even screening interviews, can be pretty hard core. They actually want to know what you know. I wish they gave you a study guide...that would really be helpful. This interview was pretty hard core, and on a couple of the questions I completely blanked! Completely. The worst part was, it was a question about procedural safeguards for parents given in IDEA (special Ed law!). Name five of the proceedurAl safeguards... And I blanked. I remember being tested on this is class and I passed obviously, but nothing was coming to me. "um, I know you have to tell the parents everything in a letter before you do anything." (Prior Written Notice) That was all I could think of... The woman interviewing me coaxed four more out of me... I was sweating and felt pretty dumb. That is a BASIC thing to know, and an important one. Needless to say, I didn't think it was my greatest interview ever. However, I did apply to be sub for their district now, and so at the end of the interview she asked me about that and took me down to see the women who handles that end of things. While we were walking down, she asked me if I would be able to start subbing for a long term sub position on the 5th, which I said, "Of course." Apparently they have had an opening that they did not anticipate, in a middle school self-contained special ed classroom, and that they would need that filled for next year too. She then said, "It isn't where we thought we would put you initially, but didn't anticipate this opening." This really shocked me that I was being considered anywhere... Was it my 15 minutes of tardiness or that I blanked on the easiest question ever that assured her of my abilities. So whatever that means. I said a very heart felt thank you prayer on the way home.

I then came home to reAd an email in response to my resume and cover letter to be a volunteer coordinator for the Utah County Crisis Line. I would be in charge of recruiting and training volunteers to staff the 24 hour crisis line. How cool would that be? I have an interview on April 13th for that. It's part time so maybe I would even be able to do it and sub at the same time. We'll see.

I then proceeded to take a LONG midday nap, and woke up at 3:15 from really really odd dreams about holding hands with a random kid from high school... I dont think that means anything... My aunt Linda and I took apart their old porch swing, drove it to Uncles Vernon's nephew's house, reassembled it, and then bought a Colorado Blue Spruce for my great aunt Nola. In a big wind sorry a while ago, all her big beautiful trees were knocked over, so Linda wanted to get her a new one. isn't that so sweet? We had dinner at Wallaby's in Pleasant Grove, and let me tell you it was fast, delicious and not too pricey. They served the most delicious rolls I have ever eaten! I ended the day painting Daniels wall white... There was just this little built in bookshelf that needed to be painted and so I thought that it wouldnt take too long! Was I ever wrong! Even though we were painting over light blue, we will need at least two coats of paint. Linda came in to see my progress and told me that the black wall was much easier to paint and I responded, "Black does cover a multitude of sins." I could expound on this analogy and relate it to life... But I'm not going to. If you come up with a good one, let me know.

So, that was my day. I am ready for general conference tomorrow!

Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day...

I have a very dear friend who has an ever increasing selection of movies. She is very generous in letting me borrow the ones I haven't seen. Every time I borrow some movies, there are at least five or six that I haven't seen. She is better than Netflix or Redbox. Plus. She has excellent taste in movies. I just watched Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day... And I found it delightful. Lately, watching movies serves as a meaningful escape. Its better than watching an episod of a tv show because it has an ending that mostly leaves me satisfied. It helps me pass the time, because, right now I seem to have a lot of it. This will not always be the case, but today it is.

I spent the day with my aunts, shopping. It was wonderful and tiring. These three women are some of the kindest people I know. They love each other and they love me, and it was really nice to be with them today. We spent a lot of time looking for an elusive outfit for Marilyn to wear at her daughter Kate's impending wedding. Kate, who like me, is her mothers youngest daughter. She also, like me, was widowed at a very young age after a short time being married. She is getting married again, hopefully in May and I wish her great happiness. Her colors are chocolAte brown and fushia, which are beautiful colors, but brown is not in the stores right now so we searched high and low for anything today. We found something, not super great but a possibility.

I also bought some fabric for a strip quilt. I am very excited. Because without my aunts talent, fabric, and machines... This would never happen on its own. I tried to find a picture but I failed. I used the colors from my favorite pillow, a find from IKEA. The colors are dark blue, a lighter grayer blue, a mustard yellow, dark red, and green. I'm excited to see how it turns out.

Anyhow, I have been feeling a bit blue today despite all the wonderful beautiful things around me. So, I came home and watched this movie. The premise is this. A nanny gets fired from her job and trying to prove her worth basically steals what she thinks is a nanny position, but instead is a social secretary for a woman who is trying to become a star. It is quite comical, and endearing. What came across to me was that if you are true to who you are you will end up with what you really want after all.

I love that. Well, today I took a break from the job hunt. Tomorrow I will try again.

Chocolate and sisters...

Family is a funny thing. YOu don't get to choose who your siblings or parents are, but somehow you belong all the same. I love my mom's sisters, partly because when I look at them I see pieces of myself mirrored back at me. The relief society president in my new ward said after being introduced as my Aunt Linda's niece, "You have the same mouth and eyes.". I love being with my aunts especially when I am missing my mom, because when I am with her sisters I feel that she is there too. In the things they say and do, in their memories, in the fabrics they enjoy, in the food they eat/make, and in the flowers they appreciate.

My Aunt Connie and Aunt Marilyn came down from Idaho today to do a chocolate making tutorial for our relief society. It was awesome! We made cake balls, chocolate covered pretzels, chocolate pops, filled chocolate Easter eggs, and homemade tootsie rolls.

I love being with my family, and I really appreciate the effort that my moms family has made to stick together, to be there for eachother, and to make it a priority to get together when they can. Being a family is more than just biological heritage as well. Although a lot is said about how much Nichole and I look like the Hart women. We have my grandma's feet and her eyes. I think about my Aunt Linda's children who are all adopted, and I notice the things that make them just as much a part of the family as me. Their love for and memories of Grandma and Grandpa. I sang in the ward choir on Sunday with Karina, my beautiful saomoan cousin, and while the other women were being a little snippety, Karina was so calm and peaceful, very polite. So I complimented her on this, for being so mellow and kind all the time, and she said, "I get it from my mom." I loved this response and it has caused me to think about the things that I get from my mom.

Some of the things that I get from my mom: the ability to speak in front of people with poise, great cooking skills, a love for flowers and gardens, an appreciation of music, determination to do what is right even if it is hard, an eye for service and friendship, and a love of the gospel. Some of the things I get from my dad: my impulsivity, my weirdness, my love for working outside, my temper (that's something else that I don't like to publicly admit, that I get angry sometimes).

Sitting around the table tonight listening to my aunts catch up with eachother reminds me of my sisters. How I love my sisters. I think about them a lot. They are such wonderful people and have shaped who I am. They are my biggest fans, my loudest cheerleaders, my conscience, and my sounding board. I think about how grateful I am that my sisters are my sisters, because if they weren't my sisters I don't know that we would be friends, just because in many ways we are so different. In that way I feel very lucky, because I learn so much from them.

I interrupt this message to give a quick update of the job hunt. I have filled out probably 15 applications so far. I applied today to be a sub for the Jordan School District. I will also apply to be a sub in Canyons School District. I have a screening interview on Friday with Jordan District. I have a second interview with a charter school in springville in April.

Hey, if any of you out there has a blog, let me know what it is. Also, if you have a private blog, email me an invitation. I really don't want this to be a one-sided thing. Give AND take.

A post about pain

Many of you probably think this is going to be a very long profound post about my thoughts and experience in regards to pain, physical emotional and otherwise.


Surprise! This is a post solely about the terrible pain right underneath my left shoulder blade. It is awful and constant. I have tried every stretch I can think of. I can't reach this spot to rub it myself. So... I just try to ignore it, hoping it will go away. Well, darn it! It hasn't and it's been over a week.

That's all. I just want somebody to know.

Oh... And I learned today that I like whale crackers. They are the off brand version of goldfish, and I like them a lot.

Two steps forward, one step backward...

I have been told, "The world is your oyster, Natalie! You can do and be anything you want to be.". There is a part of me that agrees that truly there are no limits to what I can accomplish. There is another part of me that feels very empty, very tired, and like I am staring at the top of the highest mountain from the very very most bottom base camp. Instead of packing my tent up the mountainside, I want to set up shop here and get comfortable. But I don't want to end up at the bottom of the mountain, that isn't where the prettiest views are.

Do you ever have two parts of yourself battling against each other? This happens to me a lot, and I don't mean to suggest that I am bi-polar, but rather that there are two sides to every issues and they say (whoever "they" is, I don't know)that the truth ca be found somewhere in the middle. Sometimes I want so much to be fine, that I do such a great job convincing everyone that I am fine, when deep down I feel less than fine. However, i say I am fine because I do have hope that I will eventually be fine, more than fine even. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.... I just down know how long the tunnel is.

Well, today I was less than fine, less than happy, and so very tired. Being tired probably has a lot to do with that. And at the same time... I got to attend a baptism, visit some friends, eat cafe rio and watch Hunger Games! There was even a little bit of chocolate consumed in between al those things! It was a beautiful day.

Not to get side tracked with Hunger Games, but I just have to say something about the movie versus the book. The beginning of the book was not given enough credit in the movie. I think the beginning of the book is so well written and beautifully set up. However, in the movie it all felt wrong to me, like they left out important details, or thAt really significant moments were glossed over and felt cheesey and hollow. From, the beginning of the actual games on, I was much more pleased with the movie, however my friend Alexay pointed out that even during some of this part, the actors didn't seem to really be in that dire of circumstances. All in all, though, I really liked it. We were sitting on the very front row.

So, back to moving forward and recognizing my progress. Someone once told me that most progres follows an upward circular pattern. So if you feel like you are going in circles, just remember that it is very normal.

Happiness

I have been thinking about happiness a lot lately.  Because my life has definitely not turned out how I wanted or hoped, at all.  And let's be real, I have been really unhappy because of that at times.  However the other day, I was walking to my car after going to wal-mart, (not the most glamorous place to have an epiphany, but I'm not complaining) and I was thinking about all the wonderful things in my life.  I am so lucky to be here in alpine, ut with my aunt.  I have my own room and bathroom and I feel so loved and welcome here.  What a great safe place for me to get myself back on my feet.  I have a good supporting family, (not perfect, mind you, but neither am I, so it totally works) and incredible friends.  I have the things that I need, and most importantly I know that heavenly father knows who i am and is incredibly mindful of what I need.  I also have the peace of mind that I have done my best in everything and while I am not perfect, I can be happy with who I am and who I am becoming.  So, there in that dirty wal-mart parking lot I realized that cliche saying about happiness is cliche for a reason.  You know the one..  "Happiness is not having what you want, but wanting what you have."

I also feel that happiness is more than just a feeling. It is a way of living. It is a state of mind, it is a conscious choice. I am reminded of Elder Wirthlin's word from his general conference talk, "come what may and love it.".

"How can we love days that are filled with sorrow? We can’t—at least not in the moment. I don’t think my mother was suggesting that we suppress discouragement or deny the reality of pain. I don’t think she was suggesting that we smother unpleasant truths beneath a cloak of pretended happiness. But I do believe that the way we react to adversity can be a major factor in how happy and successful we can be in life.

If we approach adversities wisely, our hardest times can be times of greatest growth, which in turn can lead toward times of greatest happiness."

So how do you do it? How do you approach adversities in a way that leads you to greater happinesses ahead? I think way too much about doings things right, and I turn myself inside out when things don't go the way I think they "should" and this makes me miserable. A couple days I found this to be exactly where I was, and I called my mom crying, "I don't understand, mom. I am trying so hard to be happy." Her response to me? "Just be, Natalie. Happiness will come.". Which reminds me of yet another quote.



“Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder…”– Thoreau

I also think being happy has a lot to do with acceptance and gratitude. It requires faith, humility and hope. It necessitates an eye for the simple, beautiful, and wonderful. Happy people do not quickly take offense, they do not become hardened by hard things. Instead, they see the positive, they look for the silver lining, they keep themselves busy with the promise of a brighter tomorrow.

Happiness in life requires that you take care of yourself. Who, like me, finds themselves aft a full busy wonderful day getting really sad and worried, only to realize that you just need some food and some sleep. Everything usually does look better with a sunrise.

While thinking about happiness, I found a book called, "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin, she also has a blog titled the same thing. I really like it. You might too. Here's a link to her blog. /

A couple more things

I really like the idea of this blog currently. I find myself thinking of different topics to write about all day long. I see quotes that I want to share. That will probably happen a lot. I am a verbal person. I like words. Words mean a lot to me. Written or spoken, it doesn't matter. I found this quote today. It isn't the most inspirational quote I have ever found, but it's a fun one.

"I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles."

Audrey Hepburn, 1921-1993

It's starts out very light hearted, but those last few sentences I agree with wholeheartedly.
The other thing that I wanted to say was... I am sorry there are not more pictures on my blog. I haven't figured out how to get pictures from my IPad to the blog yet. So I have decided that until then I will use pictures from the Internet to spice up this boring blog.

Time and Energy

To keep you, my dear friendsand family, apprised of the details of my life is the purpose of this blog.  So this post it to inform you what exactly it is that I currently spending all of my time and energy on.  I have spent all my time and energy for the last two years on a one-sided relationship, and now that it is coming to an end.  So, now I am putting all of my time and energy into getting back on my feet financially, emotionally, and spiritually.

TO finanically get back on my feet I need a job.  I am certified and licensed to be a Special Education Teacher in the state of Utah.  That still boggles my mind and completely terrifies me in some ways.  I feel that I am having divine support because on Saturday there was a Teacher Fair Preparation Workshop at BYU which had all kinds of great information.  This was super helpful as I get ready to go to the Teacher Fair on Thursday.  I am excited and nervous.  So since then I have been down to Provo everyday to seek career advice and feedback on my resume, references, etc.  I am excited to have the opportunity to work as a Special Educator.  I am putting my faith in Jesus Christ.  I believe that my needs are known to my Heavenly Father and that he will provide, given I do my part.

To spiritually get back on my feet I have been very dilligent about "feasting on the words of Christ."  In a recent blessing I was counseled to immerse myself in the scriptures, and I have been doing my utmost to do this.  Every day I am reminded of how loved I am and that the Gospel of Jesus Christ is true.  I also have been praying more often.  I almost always have a prayer in my heart.  Sometimes, I really don't think I can do this.  By this, I mean my life.  Sometimes, it seems to hard.  So, then I say a prayer, and call someone who loves me.  Invariably, the peace and assurance comes.  If you are someone I call, thank you for always loving me! 

To physically and emotionally get back on my feet I am trying to take care of myself the best I know how.  I am trying to exercise every day.  Yesterday I went to Gold's Gym with my aunt on a guest pass.  That is a crazy warehouse of machines and super hard core people.  I don't feel hard core, but I do feel sore today.  My aunt has an exercise ball and an elliptical here at the house, so I am going to do that today.  I want to find a gym that has a pool.  I miss working out with Lisa Christensen from Rochester at the University of Rochester Facilities, but I am so grateful that I did for the short time I was able to.  I have just that much more confidence to do it on my own now.  I had a physical last Monday before I left Rochester with a really awesome doctor.  He did a lot of blood tests on me, and sent me the results.  I have a vitamin D deficiency, fibromyalgia, and a genetic marker (HLA B27) that predisposes me to lots of nasty auto-immune disorders.  So I am taking vitamin d and I am also trying to eat well!  I made delicious granola that Sally Jensen gave me the recipe for!  I am glad to be able to help cook for my aunt's family.  When I can help someone else in the process of helping myself I am always more motivated.  Emotionally, I am so grateful for my family and all of my incredible friends who care so much about me.  THANK YOU!  I know when other people are going through a hard time, it is hard to know what to do.  Just do what you can and be there.  That makes the biggest difference in my life.  Not to mention the prayers.  I really can feel the prayers that are being directed my way.  I am also listening to lots of beautiful music.  Music is very powerful to me. 

I am also making time to just relax!  I loved all the women groups that I was a part of in Whipple Park. LOVED THEM.  I am reading Ella Minnow Pea for this month's book club.  For any fellow Whipple Park-ers I would love to be included in on the recipe swap if that is possible.  I don't know.  Maybe I should start my own recipe swap.  I am loving my new birds, Sky and Kiwi.  They are such calm beautiful parakeets!  I have trained them to step onto my finger, and now they do this without getting so scared that they fly into the walls of my room.  They like having music on as well.  Sometimes I put nature sounds on and they chirp chirp chirp away.  It makes me smile.  I like having something living to take care of. 

So, there you have it.  What my time and energy is currently invested in!  Please tell me what you are doing with your life!!  I love you all so much!

The Thing About Blogs

I love blogs... And I hate them. I really think they are a great way to let many people know what's going on at the same time. I think it is important to document your life. I agree with Socrates wholeheartedly, that the unexamined life is not worth living. I love reading other people's blogs and seeing their creativity and productivity. AND. It frustrates me that I am so aware that I am writing something that will be viewed by many people, and it changes what I say and how I say it. I tend to become more dramatic and poetic. I also make way more typos than i would ever like to admit. I have very wordy, confusing, long sentences with lot of hyphenating, parentheses and commas. I re-read the post that I just wrote and I thought it sounded very preachy and didn't give a whole lot of information. I don't like the idea that once I publish something it is sent into the vast and unknown cyberspace. What if I change my mind? Because I do that.... A lot. What if I offend someone, or say something that is logically full of holes, or etc... I could go on and on with the what if's. I have a never ending supply of self doubt and insecurity.

So... I'm going to proceed with caution. I will try not to be overly dramatic or philosophical or preachy or whatever. I will try to be interesting and true to life.

I will try tomorrow.

One day at a time...

I love succinct phrases that carry a lot of meaning. Some people refer to these phrases as "words to live by.". And I do. I live by finding meaning in words, whether they be words of songs, words spoken by friends, or words captured in quotes.

Addressing the title of this post,'one day at a time,' it was counsel given to me by my counselor. That's right... I am aware of myself enough to recognize the things I want to change, courageous enough to seek professional help, and not ashamed to share it with the world wide web apparently. Anywho, back to the point. I am trying to really take my life ONE DAY AT A TIME. It sounds so simple, elementary, really. In fact, to people who are very unlike me and do not understand the facets of an emotional being like myself it might seem impossible to attack more than one day at a time. It is never Monday and Tuesday at the same time, right? Oh no.... It is. In fact. It can be 2012, 2013, and 2008 all at the same time. For me this super power-achilles heel is more like it- stems from an over analysis of who i am, what I am doing, and whether that matches up with who/where/what I want to be. And it trips me up all the time.

So to set the record straight for myself. I am doing THE very best that I know how. I am not perfect, not even close. I am good enough. I am making progress, however slow it feels, and I will achieve my goals and dreams of the future. Today however, I am living for today. I am keeping my mind here with my heart and my soul. That is where it belongs. I don't have the answers to questions that I happen to think are pretty darn important. However, I know enough to get through today and to face tomorrow with determination and perhaps even a terrified smile.

How do I live this way? By reminding myself over and over again to slow down and live in the present. To pay attention to the things that I need, and to balance those things very carefully with preaparation for the things that future Natalie cares about. These future things however need to be scrutinized to make sure they really are what I care about, and not what I think I should care about. I get confused by this a lot.

So. Here I am. Today. Today was and is a good day peppered with moments of sadness and uncertainty. Today I am with my Aunt Linda and her family with a room of my own complete with a really great balance of support and independence; freedom and responsibility; and always a listening ear and unconditional love. I am a lucky girl. I have a knowledge and an awareness of hope and happiness thanks to the gospel of Jesus Christ. I made toffe encrusted almonds today! I get to sleep with no less than six pillows. I remembered how to access my ablog account from 2005. I have a pair of beautiful parakeets, Sky and Kiwi, who chirp at the sound of my voice. That's pretty great! How many of you can say that? That's what I thought.

So when my mind races, my heart pounds, and the insidious thoughts of failure, despair and ruin creep into my mind. I tell myself, again and again, one day at a time Natalie. You are doing okay. Did I do everything I wanted to today? Am I where i want to be? Nope. Did I do enough? That's the question. Today the answer is yes. My life is good and full, and I am a powerful person, with the ability to choose my own happiness, and to wake up tomorrow to face yet another day.

Love

So much can happen in a year, as it turns out, and life never turns out quite how it seems to be progressing. In sum, I feel very strongly that what I have learned about love can be explained in a sentence. The greatest act of love is to let them go. You know you really love someone when you are faced with the most difficult decisions, and you do what is best for them even while your heart is breaking. The question is not what is the best for me, or what is the easiest or the least costly, but really and truly, what would make the other person the happiest.

Another thing I have learned is the great pressure that a single heart can undergo. All the pain, all the heartache, and uncertainty only increases the capacity for one to love- if addressed in a healthy way.

To love and be loved is the greatest gift I have been given. Being loved challanges me, it completes me and motivates me in ways nothing else ever has.

While I was running...

So, today I went for a run. I came home from school (only teachers say that they go to school instead of work), watched a crazy chick flick movie, facebooked, and then really felt lame. So, the crazy thought came to me. Go on a run. So I did it. I put on my running shoes- good thing I was already in my pajamas and it's a good thing my pajamas are essentially running clothes-and I went.

The first block was incredible, I felt great the air felt incredible- chilly and fresh, and I felt totally on top of the world. After six blocks, I felt truly humbled. My ears hurt from the cold, my lungs were burning, my arms and shoulders were incredibly tight, and my legs were so heavy I even tripped a couple times. So, whenever you're feeling really sorry for yourself, go for a run. It will remind you of how far you truly have to go.

The good news is, my best thinking comes when I am running and here it is. Running today served as a little personal interview with myself, and while people always tell me to not be so hard on myself, I beg to differ. I am all about mercy- a huge proponent of it, because therein lies the only hope. I am also a huge proponent of justice. This is why I am a latter-day saint, because in the gospel of good news lies the perfect reconciliation of the two laws. Because, to take from the story of the child who wanted the bicycle. She worked as hard as a child can and then realized that she would never have enough money to buy a bicycle. So her Dad looked at her, wiped her tears away and said, "Give me all you have, and a big hug and kiss, and I will pay the rest." So yes, while the Atonement was made so we could be saved, it is not by grace alone. We still have to pay our 95 cents for the 80 dollar bicycle. He doesn't need it so much in terms of dollars and cents, but in the sense that he needs our heart to be in the right place. For my heart to be in the right place, sometimes I need to realize how intently I need my Savior because I am so far off. So I was thinking about the people in my life and how I don't pray for them enough. I got to thinking about a scripture in the Book of Mormon, 2 Nephi 33:3, the last little part of the verse. He is talking about how he is a good speaker, not a good writer, because the spirit is able to take what he says and carry it into the hearts of men, but his people cast away what is written because they have hardened their hearts and the spirit can't reach them. And he writes, "But I, Nephi, have written what I have written, and I esteem it as of great worth, and especially unto my people. For I pray continually for them by day, and mine eyes water my pillow by night, because of them; and I cry unto my God in faith, and I know he will hear my cry." I was thinking about this scripture and trying to remember the last time or even the first time that I have ever cried for someone else. When I have been compassionate enough to truly cry for someone else's pain- not only because it reminded me of my own, and it was really difficult for me because I don't think I have.

I think it is time that I cry for someone else, instead of myself. So, I will start by more earnestly praying for them.

After my humbling run, I was feeling a bit weird. Not sad necessarily, but empty and reminiscent of happier times. I was kind of just sitting in this feeling, soaking it up- getting a little deeper into it (not a good thing) when I thought that I should call an old roommate. A mentor really. One of those happenstance meetings that changes your life. I hadn't talked to her in years literally, and so I felt a little resistant to this idea because what was I going to say? But, I did it. I called her, and we had a good conversation. She began crying- not very far into the call- and continued to cry for most of the good forty minutes we talked saying she was glad I called because she was having a hard time. Why? She teaches at the MTC and she was teaching a missionary who two years had come to the MTC and returned home, and was back again for the second time, and just today went back home. She was having a hard time because of the this young man's pain and was feeling sorrow because she didn't feel she had done enough to help him. Wow. It is not only running that has humbled me today. So who needed that phone call more, her or me?

While I was talking to her I was reminded of a fabulous quote by Mother Teresa, that is something that I hold on to nowadays (I feel like a wise old grandmother using that word "nowadays," I like it, it's a charming word-romantic even). "We should ask ourselves, "Have I really experienced the joy of loving?" True love is love that causes us pain, that hurts, and yet brings us joy. That is why we must pray and ask for the courage to love." My soul responds to this quote in a way I can't quite describe because it is true. There is the age old question, "Is it better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all?" Sometimes, I truly wonder if it is better sometimes, and why does this weak mortal wonder that? BECAUSE it hurts SO much, that I question the worth... when really this quote explains to me that it is because is hurts so much that I know that it truly has and is and will be worth it to love as I have (and more to come). SO my answer to the question is yes, it is better because in the end it will be worth it. Pain has more value than we realize. I tend to think that God doesn't hurt... but that just can't be because he loves more deeply than I can even comprehend and so his sorrow is just as uncomprehendable.

Along the lines of this thought is another moment of truth that came to me as I went to the Temple a couple weeks ago. It had been a busy and wonderful day, and I sat in the temple and kind of looked down at me from a high view point and I was amused at the interesting perspective I gained. Because I thought when I was married and when I was with Michael that I could never be happier-I truly honestly and deeply felt that, probably because is was the happiest I had been in my life, and then since his passing I have felt that I will never feel greater pain, sorrow or sadness. Yet, the truth is this. You will be happier, Natalie, and you will be sadder (more sad). How often in the moment I paint my day as the ending to my story instead of the beginning that it is. I look down instead of up, backward instead of forward. I do want to take a moment to validate a couple things. The pain and joy you experience during the day is significant and it isn't helpful to write it off because of what is to come. When I haven't taken the time to be present in my journey, I have had to take far more time down the road to re-visit it.

I will end this rambling post with words to live by. Thomas S. Monson - "The future is only as bright as your faith."

Pontificating

Gods ways are not our ways, and his thoughts are not our thoughts. The irony of all ironies is that to truly allow that phrase to cut through all the pain and lonliness to where that truth brings comfort and illuminates the shadows of our veiled minds takes a perspective that is not of this world. It takes humility, faith, and cheerfully enduring. Not false cheer, mind you- but truly a jolly outlook.

Because from a mortally flawed human perspective, whether you have all several options except for the one that planned for or one the option that you sacrificed everything to pursue that is showing no signs of promise; whether your loss is public or private; whether you are young or old- the experience is an every day battle. The pain is too great, the restrictions too binding, the way is too difficult, too lonely, and the moments of happinesses too fleeting.

The bottom line for me has been, a sentence of wisdom from the mouth of one widow to another. "There comes a point when you realize that it really is up to you and God." That the greatest gift that mankind has- the ability to choose for himself- unlocks the spiritual power that is ours when we decide that we want our ways to be Gods way. It isn't just one single decision that will change our lives or our hearts, or even a life-long moment by moment renewal of desire- though it involves both of these steps- because even that would fail because we fall short. The key lies in sincere repentance, the humility to listen instead of talk, and the courage to act when all present motivation flees.

Confused

Life is a series of learning to let go. I've said this before, and I'll say it again. I feel like I am just along for the ride many times, as soon as I say outloud that life is good and that I am happy (because I really am for a minute, for a day, for a week) I find myself plunged back into the water again. I feel as though I am treading water in a wave pool, that I can't reach the bottom just barely staying above the waves.

I find that after a particulary significant spiritual experience in my life when I know without a shadow of a doubt of the reality of the atonement, the blessings of the gospel, and the strength that the spirit gives us in our lives-then comes "reality" it seems like, when really perhaps this isn't reality at all, but the adversary coming in on cue.

It is so difficult. This journey.

I am worried that I am forgetting. That I am losing Michael. While he was living his presence was tangible and life-changing for me, and just after his death I was just as affected by the affect this had on my life. Now, though he is part of me, I sometimes suprise myself by how easily I forget the little things-that maybe you could say are unimportant- like that the fact that he loved smoothies and how many we made and ate together last summer. I haven't had a homemade smoothie since. I forget what he would tell me. Situations come where I really just want to know his opinoin, I wish he was by my side experiencing what I was experiencing to give me feedback. We had such wonderful communication, and now that is no longer it seems. He is my greatest friend and I miss him.

I made taco soup today, and he would have loved it. He would have basked in his tastebuds and blessed my name for making him dinner. He would tell me about things that brought him joy during the day, or things that frustrated him. How I want to know how he is. I remember the last time I spoke with him on the phone, just talking with him on the phone didn't seem enough. I wanted him to come home so soon because one day without him seemed unbearable. Now, what I would give for a minute to speak to him again, or to even know what he is thinking.

It doesn't seem right that I can live without him, because I surely don't want to. But here I am to stay, to bless others lives apparently... when mostly I just feel to be a burden.

Readjusting

This is my attempt to explain to a friend who recently returned from a mission how I understand her sentiments about feeling like a fish out of water. She told me "I feel a little misplaced...It's like an identity crisis of how and where I can fit in an mold the old me and new me into a wonderful CURRENT me." To which I replied...

I think I know a little how you feel... a lot actually. Let's see if I can put it into words. You were living your life and you were happy, but then you were changed for the better, you felt whole for the first time- you learned so much, you learned what it truly meant to have a testimony of the Savior, you knew that the Lord had a plan for you and you were right where you needed to be- not that everything was perfect... but almost, not that it was a walk in the park, but definitely worth it. No doubt about that. Then all of a sudden, it was over in some pretty fundamental ways. Way too fast. Not that a mission ever really is over, or that an eternal marriage ever takes a break but it changes thats for sure, whether you were ready for it or not, whether you anticipated it or not. And it's almost like in some ways you get to go back to the old you... but you're not the old you. Life seems to have moved on pretty well without you too... So what to do, what to do? Take the postive, leave the negative and keep moving forward with faith. The best is yet to come... even though you feel pretty sure you've already had the best.

And to my friend who broke up with the one he loved so much, I also relate. This is my advice, you know the kind you give to yourself when you hurt and don't understand why. "So Hebrews 11 is an amazing chapter for me. I read it last night and it really gave me hope. It explains how the prophets did all these amazing things, how? By faith. I like to add myself to the chapter like this. By faith, Natalie Joyce Clark Hess, lost the love of her life, remained happy, positive, and lived a full life. I'll add you too. By faith, (insert your name here) had their heart broken multiple times without the understanding of why or what's next, remained faithful in their callings, touched the lives of others and didn't drop out of school. It's kind of like in the war chapters where the nephites have all those lamanite prisoners that they don't know what to do, so they are moving them with the army, and ultimately they lose all the prisoners, and go back just in time to save their army. So sometimes we lose what are fighting for at the moment, but it redirects us back just in time to save the army.

Can't Sleep

Why can't I sleep? I'm plenty tired physically. Maybe it's because today for the first time in too long, my mind is awake. I am happy today. Something broke through my misery, my grand little pity party. So what shall I write about while most sane people are sleeping? Well, then again, I never claimed to be sane.

I will stick to memories of Michael tonight:

Michael loved the Jewish nation, and he affectionally called those he loved and those he was perturbed by jew faces. Jared, his roommate and good friend, got to where he would just say, "Hey Jew."

Michael was appropriately inappropriate... it's hard to explain. Here are some examples, "Shall we go down?" "It is delicious to the taste and very desirable. "- referring to good food. In the middle of sacrament meeting, "This isn't the appropriate time or place, but you have hot legs."

MIchael was a self appointed music snob. The first concert we went together to was a band concert. Halfway through, he leaned over and asked me if I was enjoying myself, and I said, "Sure." He seemed slightly uncomfortable, and replied, "Would you mind if we left?" He then apologized, and said, "I really am a music snob." Michael was the first one to admit that musically talented people had generally great big egos.

Michael loved fascimile number 2. He coveted Tyron Jensen's facsimile number two.

I remember the first time we held hands. We were going on a walk, I had just told him that I liked him and wanted to know either way- yes or no, so I could either get over him or know what was going on. He told me a story, about how there was this girl who he had been seen to be spending more time with over the past week, and when questioned by people in our ward if we were dating, he said he didn't know. Then on several different occasions, different people told him he better be careful and that he would be in serious trouble if he hurt me. So he told me that this caught his attention and that he wanted to be sure that he did like this girl. The verdict was that he did. So we continued walking, and it was snowing, so I said we should make snow angels and promptly lay down in the thick, cold, wet snow and made a snow angel. I got up, and Michael said, "You have snow on your bum." When I thanked him he said that he would be willing to help me but didn't feel like we had quite reached that stage in our relationship. I then said, "My hands are cold." He then said, "Well, I can help," and held my hand. What I hope to always remember was the next question was, "What are your pet peeves, so I don't do them."

On the crazy bowling date he clicked his heels, we cuddled while watching Madagascar. I put my head on his shoulder, and he put his hand on my knee. He made me spaghetti the next day, and we finished the movie.

Oh the walks we went on. We always went for walks to talk about how we were feeling, mostly to assure me of his love for me. He would always thank me for calling him, listen, and then tell me that it was completely valid how I felt, then go on to explain to me how much he loved me and would try to help me see the good in myself.

I remember once going to his apartment before we went out to do something. I knocked on the door, entered when I heard a "Come in." from the back, MIchael came out from the back with so much energy, pushed me against the door, kissed me- then looked at me and said, "Well, hello." That made me feel so loved.

I remember after we had our apartment and began eating dinner there together. He would come home from work to me working in the kitchen, come and hug me and say so warmly and sincerely, "Coming home to you makes me so happy. I love you so much."

I remember when I was called to be a gospel doctrine teacher, he was so jealous that he swore. It makes me laugh to think of that.

He would get so mad at stupid drivers.

When we were eating delicious but not so nutritious food, he would say, "Now this'll kill ya, but at least you'll die happy."

When we would play Settlers of Catan, and a good number was rolled he would say, "And there was much rejoicing."

He loved his Mom so much. She was who he called to ask advice about what he should do, to vent a little bit, to get recipes from her, but most of all he loved to call and share with her when he was having a good day.

He would hold me till I fell asleep, and wake me up with a kiss and breakfast.

I remember the first time I met his Dad, he was so nervous because he'd never really brought a girl to meet his parents. So we didn't even hold hands. Afterwards we went to temple square to see the lights for a little bit before picking up my friend Alexay. We were walking back to the car and he said when we get back to the car, we are going to have a magical kiss. Instead, we had gotten a ticket, which made him so mad we got in the car, were on our way when he hit the steering wheel, and said, "That blasted ticket ruined our magical kiss!" It made me laugh.

To be continued... but can you see why I loved him? It's pretty easy to see, isn't it?

When do you know?

When is it exactly that you know that you are changed? That you are different than you were before? Is it when you smile at things that would have made you uncomfortable before-- but only because you weren't comfortable with yourself before? Is it when people tell you you seem different somehow-happier, more confident? Is it when you make mistakes and then are able to forgive yourself? Is it when you feel that you have found what has been missing, when so clearly you see the rest of your life mapped out? Is it when you finally have meaning, someone who loves you for who you, who accepts you and loves your mistakes away. Is it when you used to cry alone that now someone is with you who not only wipes your tears away, but replaces them with sounds of laughter.

No... my friends it isn't. In fact, you only know that you have been changed for better, for good, when you are no more surrounded by whatever helped you to be different. When, even without the one who helped you discover who you truly are, you continue to believe, continue to remember. When you wake up amidst the falling snowflakes and remember what it felt like to feel the sun, and display it in your countenance. When instead of curling up in his arms, you curl up in the blanket of the one you love and wipe away your own tears. When you look in the mirror to swollen eyes reflecting a broken heart, and say "I miss you Michael Scott Hess," and because you are changed you then think, "That will never change, and he knows that and I can do this." When you learn to say no to others and yes to you, without your other half. When you see the beauty in your imperfections. When you can take what someone has taught you and stand on your own two feet. When your life reflects their memory.

I don't claim to have it all put together. Instead I claim this. I have been changed for the better. I know now that there is something special about me because I was blessed to be loved by someone special. I know my savior Jesus Christ because of personal sacrifice, He has wiped away my tears, he cheers for me in my exultant moments and stands by me in difficult moment. So, in short you know your life has been changed because of someone else when you find yourself measurably closer to the gospel of Jesus Christ, closer to the understanding of God's plan for His children, and closer to how intimately and infinitely He loves me.

Even thought this particular piece doesn't have the details- Let it be written and known that Natalie Joyce Clark Hess is better woman because of the love and life of Michael Scott Hess.

Random thoughts

I have been blessed with just about the best friends.... take that back. I have been blessed with THE best friends ever.

So, maybe I am a little morbid, but I love storms. I love the prestuff, the wind that almost knocks you over, the dust so you can't see the mountains isn't my fav, but it reminds me that there are mountains and that I like the view. I love the crazy dark, pounding rain that soaks you (I also LOVE the shelter, the warm blankets, dry clothes and fuzzy slippers)- or if it involves snow, the quiet snowfall that covers the world in white- I love when the windshield is cold and you can see each individual snowflake a little before it melts (awesome) and I love the peace, the clean air, the CLOUDS and the freshness in the world- the smell.

Life is cazy, I have decided... full of "owies" (keep in mind that I work with kids every day all day) just be sure you get some wicked awesome bandaids- it really helps, sort of distracts you from the pain for a little while, while your owie heals.

Burnt Popcorn

Nothing smells worse than burnt popcorn... well okay that could be argued otherwise, but burnt popcorn is up there on the list of 'worst smells in the world." I think the thing that bugs me the most is that it isn't enough that it smells hideous, you know the take your breath away fumes, but it attaches itself to everything it come in contact with-clothes, hair, anything it can attach itself to. So when people walk into your apartment, their first thought is not how snazzy your place looks, but, "what is that hideous smell?" or the anxious, "Is something burning?" Nope, everything's okay that is just because I burned popcorn in the microwave last year. Okay, that may be a bit of an exaggeration.

So what prompted this fabulous post? I went to a Book of Mormon study at my Bishop's home this evening, and his wife made popcorn for us to snack on- smothered in white chocolate. Well, needless to say it was delicious. So I went home from this spiritual occasion with the desire to not only read, pray and attend the temple more consistently, but to make delicious popcorn. So I microwaved a bag of popcorn, melted the remainder of my cherry chips on the stove, and mixed the two together. It looked and tasted good, but it was still a little bit melty so I thought I'll just let this cool down and I'll have a yummy snack for work tomorrow. So I am laying in bed, listening to a wonderful song over and over again on repeat when I smell the popcorn and it's burning. So I walk into the kitchen and reconize the source right away. I left the ceramic bowl on the stove top and left the burner on. So... I wasn't too smart. I opened the door and waved it back and forth hoping to get rid of the smell, after a few seconds I thought to remove the smoking bowl from the apartment. So I took it outside, turned on the fan, lit some candles, then checked on the bowl outside on the cement stairs. There still is a strange sound of boiling/burning coming from the bowl, so I stupidly brought the bowl back inside and doused it with water... which caused it to hiss and smoke even worse INSIDE instead of outside. Trauma. So, there you have it.

Burnt popcorn stinks.

4 years later

It's hilarious, really, that I even remembered that I had created this blog my senior year of high school. It's way late, and I am avoiding sleep, because I know when I do sleep I won't want to wake up. So, for whatever reason, I thought of looking at blogs, and then remembered that I created my own, many moons ago.

I have been watching a lot of movies lately and so finding this after 4 years reminds me a lot of how in movies they switch scenes with only the words 4 years later to help you figure out what happened in between. Four years ago I was miserable... not all the time, but most of the time. I was finishing up my senior year of high school in Illinois. I was hurting inside from years of self-hatred, and self-blame. I was dramatic... very dramatic. I was writing this partly because I didn't feel like I had anyone to turn to, partly because I didn't want anyone to know I was feeling this way, and partly because I did want someone to know how I was feeling. Now? Now I am in Utah, working at an elementary school with so many more experiences under my belt. I have a couple years of college done and a couple more to go. I have met and married the man of my dreams, and he is still the man of my dreams quite literally. He died September 18, 2008 in a freak car accident, and I watched as his spirit left his body. He changed me. He taught me how to be happy. He loved life and loved people. He saw in me someone that I didn't see, and because I loved him I was willing to look for her. He balanced me, he healed me, he helped me so much. He was handsome, charismatic, and always kind. Truly a judge of character is the caliber of his friends, because since he died, all of his friends are now truly my friends too. So why do I write now? To process, to have it written for all to see or not see. To make my own notes of my life, I am writing my own story, my own dreams for the future, like my url says.

Now, with this outlet again... my dear friends that I have not met. I have so many stories to tell, so many people to introduce you to, before you can truly have the context for these dreams that I dream. But now it truly is time for me to dream, the unconsious kind that I don't ever seem to remember :).