This is my attempt to explain to a friend who recently returned from a mission how I understand her sentiments about feeling like a fish out of water. She told me "I feel a little misplaced...It's like an identity crisis of how and where I can fit in an mold the old me and new me into a wonderful CURRENT me." To which I replied...
I think I know a little how you feel... a lot actually. Let's see if I can put it into words. You were living your life and you were happy, but then you were changed for the better, you felt whole for the first time- you learned so much, you learned what it truly meant to have a testimony of the Savior, you knew that the Lord had a plan for you and you were right where you needed to be- not that everything was perfect... but almost, not that it was a walk in the park, but definitely worth it. No doubt about that. Then all of a sudden, it was over in some pretty fundamental ways. Way too fast. Not that a mission ever really is over, or that an eternal marriage ever takes a break but it changes thats for sure, whether you were ready for it or not, whether you anticipated it or not. And it's almost like in some ways you get to go back to the old you... but you're not the old you. Life seems to have moved on pretty well without you too... So what to do, what to do? Take the postive, leave the negative and keep moving forward with faith. The best is yet to come... even though you feel pretty sure you've already had the best.
And to my friend who broke up with the one he loved so much, I also relate. This is my advice, you know the kind you give to yourself when you hurt and don't understand why. "So Hebrews 11 is an amazing chapter for me. I read it last night and it really gave me hope. It explains how the prophets did all these amazing things, how? By faith. I like to add myself to the chapter like this. By faith, Natalie Joyce Clark Hess, lost the love of her life, remained happy, positive, and lived a full life. I'll add you too. By faith, (insert your name here) had their heart broken multiple times without the understanding of why or what's next, remained faithful in their callings, touched the lives of others and didn't drop out of school. It's kind of like in the war chapters where the nephites have all those lamanite prisoners that they don't know what to do, so they are moving them with the army, and ultimately they lose all the prisoners, and go back just in time to save their army. So sometimes we lose what are fighting for at the moment, but it redirects us back just in time to save the army.
3.10.2009
Can't Sleep
Why can't I sleep? I'm plenty tired physically. Maybe it's because today for the first time in too long, my mind is awake. I am happy today. Something broke through my misery, my grand little pity party. So what shall I write about while most sane people are sleeping? Well, then again, I never claimed to be sane.
I will stick to memories of Michael tonight:
Michael loved the Jewish nation, and he affectionally called those he loved and those he was perturbed by jew faces. Jared, his roommate and good friend, got to where he would just say, "Hey Jew."
Michael was appropriately inappropriate... it's hard to explain. Here are some examples, "Shall we go down?" "It is delicious to the taste and very desirable. "- referring to good food. In the middle of sacrament meeting, "This isn't the appropriate time or place, but you have hot legs."
MIchael was a self appointed music snob. The first concert we went together to was a band concert. Halfway through, he leaned over and asked me if I was enjoying myself, and I said, "Sure." He seemed slightly uncomfortable, and replied, "Would you mind if we left?" He then apologized, and said, "I really am a music snob." Michael was the first one to admit that musically talented people had generally great big egos.
Michael loved fascimile number 2. He coveted Tyron Jensen's facsimile number two.
I remember the first time we held hands. We were going on a walk, I had just told him that I liked him and wanted to know either way- yes or no, so I could either get over him or know what was going on. He told me a story, about how there was this girl who he had been seen to be spending more time with over the past week, and when questioned by people in our ward if we were dating, he said he didn't know. Then on several different occasions, different people told him he better be careful and that he would be in serious trouble if he hurt me. So he told me that this caught his attention and that he wanted to be sure that he did like this girl. The verdict was that he did. So we continued walking, and it was snowing, so I said we should make snow angels and promptly lay down in the thick, cold, wet snow and made a snow angel. I got up, and Michael said, "You have snow on your bum." When I thanked him he said that he would be willing to help me but didn't feel like we had quite reached that stage in our relationship. I then said, "My hands are cold." He then said, "Well, I can help," and held my hand. What I hope to always remember was the next question was, "What are your pet peeves, so I don't do them."
On the crazy bowling date he clicked his heels, we cuddled while watching Madagascar. I put my head on his shoulder, and he put his hand on my knee. He made me spaghetti the next day, and we finished the movie.
Oh the walks we went on. We always went for walks to talk about how we were feeling, mostly to assure me of his love for me. He would always thank me for calling him, listen, and then tell me that it was completely valid how I felt, then go on to explain to me how much he loved me and would try to help me see the good in myself.
I remember once going to his apartment before we went out to do something. I knocked on the door, entered when I heard a "Come in." from the back, MIchael came out from the back with so much energy, pushed me against the door, kissed me- then looked at me and said, "Well, hello." That made me feel so loved.
I remember after we had our apartment and began eating dinner there together. He would come home from work to me working in the kitchen, come and hug me and say so warmly and sincerely, "Coming home to you makes me so happy. I love you so much."
I remember when I was called to be a gospel doctrine teacher, he was so jealous that he swore. It makes me laugh to think of that.
He would get so mad at stupid drivers.
When we were eating delicious but not so nutritious food, he would say, "Now this'll kill ya, but at least you'll die happy."
When we would play Settlers of Catan, and a good number was rolled he would say, "And there was much rejoicing."
He loved his Mom so much. She was who he called to ask advice about what he should do, to vent a little bit, to get recipes from her, but most of all he loved to call and share with her when he was having a good day.
He would hold me till I fell asleep, and wake me up with a kiss and breakfast.
I remember the first time I met his Dad, he was so nervous because he'd never really brought a girl to meet his parents. So we didn't even hold hands. Afterwards we went to temple square to see the lights for a little bit before picking up my friend Alexay. We were walking back to the car and he said when we get back to the car, we are going to have a magical kiss. Instead, we had gotten a ticket, which made him so mad we got in the car, were on our way when he hit the steering wheel, and said, "That blasted ticket ruined our magical kiss!" It made me laugh.
To be continued... but can you see why I loved him? It's pretty easy to see, isn't it?
I will stick to memories of Michael tonight:
Michael loved the Jewish nation, and he affectionally called those he loved and those he was perturbed by jew faces. Jared, his roommate and good friend, got to where he would just say, "Hey Jew."
Michael was appropriately inappropriate... it's hard to explain. Here are some examples, "Shall we go down?" "It is delicious to the taste and very desirable. "- referring to good food. In the middle of sacrament meeting, "This isn't the appropriate time or place, but you have hot legs."
MIchael was a self appointed music snob. The first concert we went together to was a band concert. Halfway through, he leaned over and asked me if I was enjoying myself, and I said, "Sure." He seemed slightly uncomfortable, and replied, "Would you mind if we left?" He then apologized, and said, "I really am a music snob." Michael was the first one to admit that musically talented people had generally great big egos.
Michael loved fascimile number 2. He coveted Tyron Jensen's facsimile number two.
I remember the first time we held hands. We were going on a walk, I had just told him that I liked him and wanted to know either way- yes or no, so I could either get over him or know what was going on. He told me a story, about how there was this girl who he had been seen to be spending more time with over the past week, and when questioned by people in our ward if we were dating, he said he didn't know. Then on several different occasions, different people told him he better be careful and that he would be in serious trouble if he hurt me. So he told me that this caught his attention and that he wanted to be sure that he did like this girl. The verdict was that he did. So we continued walking, and it was snowing, so I said we should make snow angels and promptly lay down in the thick, cold, wet snow and made a snow angel. I got up, and Michael said, "You have snow on your bum." When I thanked him he said that he would be willing to help me but didn't feel like we had quite reached that stage in our relationship. I then said, "My hands are cold." He then said, "Well, I can help," and held my hand. What I hope to always remember was the next question was, "What are your pet peeves, so I don't do them."
On the crazy bowling date he clicked his heels, we cuddled while watching Madagascar. I put my head on his shoulder, and he put his hand on my knee. He made me spaghetti the next day, and we finished the movie.
Oh the walks we went on. We always went for walks to talk about how we were feeling, mostly to assure me of his love for me. He would always thank me for calling him, listen, and then tell me that it was completely valid how I felt, then go on to explain to me how much he loved me and would try to help me see the good in myself.
I remember once going to his apartment before we went out to do something. I knocked on the door, entered when I heard a "Come in." from the back, MIchael came out from the back with so much energy, pushed me against the door, kissed me- then looked at me and said, "Well, hello." That made me feel so loved.
I remember after we had our apartment and began eating dinner there together. He would come home from work to me working in the kitchen, come and hug me and say so warmly and sincerely, "Coming home to you makes me so happy. I love you so much."
I remember when I was called to be a gospel doctrine teacher, he was so jealous that he swore. It makes me laugh to think of that.
He would get so mad at stupid drivers.
When we were eating delicious but not so nutritious food, he would say, "Now this'll kill ya, but at least you'll die happy."
When we would play Settlers of Catan, and a good number was rolled he would say, "And there was much rejoicing."
He loved his Mom so much. She was who he called to ask advice about what he should do, to vent a little bit, to get recipes from her, but most of all he loved to call and share with her when he was having a good day.
He would hold me till I fell asleep, and wake me up with a kiss and breakfast.
I remember the first time I met his Dad, he was so nervous because he'd never really brought a girl to meet his parents. So we didn't even hold hands. Afterwards we went to temple square to see the lights for a little bit before picking up my friend Alexay. We were walking back to the car and he said when we get back to the car, we are going to have a magical kiss. Instead, we had gotten a ticket, which made him so mad we got in the car, were on our way when he hit the steering wheel, and said, "That blasted ticket ruined our magical kiss!" It made me laugh.
To be continued... but can you see why I loved him? It's pretty easy to see, isn't it?
3.05.2009
When do you know?
When is it exactly that you know that you are changed? That you are different than you were before? Is it when you smile at things that would have made you uncomfortable before-- but only because you weren't comfortable with yourself before? Is it when people tell you you seem different somehow-happier, more confident? Is it when you make mistakes and then are able to forgive yourself? Is it when you feel that you have found what has been missing, when so clearly you see the rest of your life mapped out? Is it when you finally have meaning, someone who loves you for who you, who accepts you and loves your mistakes away. Is it when you used to cry alone that now someone is with you who not only wipes your tears away, but replaces them with sounds of laughter.
No... my friends it isn't. In fact, you only know that you have been changed for better, for good, when you are no more surrounded by whatever helped you to be different. When, even without the one who helped you discover who you truly are, you continue to believe, continue to remember. When you wake up amidst the falling snowflakes and remember what it felt like to feel the sun, and display it in your countenance. When instead of curling up in his arms, you curl up in the blanket of the one you love and wipe away your own tears. When you look in the mirror to swollen eyes reflecting a broken heart, and say "I miss you Michael Scott Hess," and because you are changed you then think, "That will never change, and he knows that and I can do this." When you learn to say no to others and yes to you, without your other half. When you see the beauty in your imperfections. When you can take what someone has taught you and stand on your own two feet. When your life reflects their memory.
I don't claim to have it all put together. Instead I claim this. I have been changed for the better. I know now that there is something special about me because I was blessed to be loved by someone special. I know my savior Jesus Christ because of personal sacrifice, He has wiped away my tears, he cheers for me in my exultant moments and stands by me in difficult moment. So, in short you know your life has been changed because of someone else when you find yourself measurably closer to the gospel of Jesus Christ, closer to the understanding of God's plan for His children, and closer to how intimately and infinitely He loves me.
Even thought this particular piece doesn't have the details- Let it be written and known that Natalie Joyce Clark Hess is better woman because of the love and life of Michael Scott Hess.
No... my friends it isn't. In fact, you only know that you have been changed for better, for good, when you are no more surrounded by whatever helped you to be different. When, even without the one who helped you discover who you truly are, you continue to believe, continue to remember. When you wake up amidst the falling snowflakes and remember what it felt like to feel the sun, and display it in your countenance. When instead of curling up in his arms, you curl up in the blanket of the one you love and wipe away your own tears. When you look in the mirror to swollen eyes reflecting a broken heart, and say "I miss you Michael Scott Hess," and because you are changed you then think, "That will never change, and he knows that and I can do this." When you learn to say no to others and yes to you, without your other half. When you see the beauty in your imperfections. When you can take what someone has taught you and stand on your own two feet. When your life reflects their memory.
I don't claim to have it all put together. Instead I claim this. I have been changed for the better. I know now that there is something special about me because I was blessed to be loved by someone special. I know my savior Jesus Christ because of personal sacrifice, He has wiped away my tears, he cheers for me in my exultant moments and stands by me in difficult moment. So, in short you know your life has been changed because of someone else when you find yourself measurably closer to the gospel of Jesus Christ, closer to the understanding of God's plan for His children, and closer to how intimately and infinitely He loves me.
Even thought this particular piece doesn't have the details- Let it be written and known that Natalie Joyce Clark Hess is better woman because of the love and life of Michael Scott Hess.
3.04.2009
Random thoughts
I have been blessed with just about the best friends.... take that back. I have been blessed with THE best friends ever.
So, maybe I am a little morbid, but I love storms. I love the prestuff, the wind that almost knocks you over, the dust so you can't see the mountains isn't my fav, but it reminds me that there are mountains and that I like the view. I love the crazy dark, pounding rain that soaks you (I also LOVE the shelter, the warm blankets, dry clothes and fuzzy slippers)- or if it involves snow, the quiet snowfall that covers the world in white- I love when the windshield is cold and you can see each individual snowflake a little before it melts (awesome) and I love the peace, the clean air, the CLOUDS and the freshness in the world- the smell.
Life is cazy, I have decided... full of "owies" (keep in mind that I work with kids every day all day) just be sure you get some wicked awesome bandaids- it really helps, sort of distracts you from the pain for a little while, while your owie heals.
So, maybe I am a little morbid, but I love storms. I love the prestuff, the wind that almost knocks you over, the dust so you can't see the mountains isn't my fav, but it reminds me that there are mountains and that I like the view. I love the crazy dark, pounding rain that soaks you (I also LOVE the shelter, the warm blankets, dry clothes and fuzzy slippers)- or if it involves snow, the quiet snowfall that covers the world in white- I love when the windshield is cold and you can see each individual snowflake a little before it melts (awesome) and I love the peace, the clean air, the CLOUDS and the freshness in the world- the smell.
Life is cazy, I have decided... full of "owies" (keep in mind that I work with kids every day all day) just be sure you get some wicked awesome bandaids- it really helps, sort of distracts you from the pain for a little while, while your owie heals.
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