Cheesecake!

Why am I up at this hour? Shouldn't I be in bed? Why yes! I should! Instead I just finished making a decadent cheesecake. It felt pretty great making such a wonderful dessert for absolutely no other reason than because I wanted to, even though I didnt really have the time or energy to do so. The only thing about cheesecake is for me who really is a fan of instant gratification, I sure have to wait a while to enjoy the fruits of my labors. Good things come to those who wait, right? Today was a pretty rough day in some regards. I felt so tired and ragged by the end of the day, I was tempted to again turn my back to the never ending work that I feel so obligated to attack and go home and curl up in bed. Instead I scrounged up the energy to write the schedule for the next day on the board and then found a boundless source of energy to which I looked at my long list of to dos and slowly did be after another. Then, I looked at my list and added a few more to make up for the things I just completed. I left the school around six fifteen, went to the store, came home ate dinner, read scriptures with the fam, and started this cheesecake adventure at about 9:00! Can you believe it? I wish I had the picture of how many bowls it took to make this delicate dessert. Or how I had to wrap the springform pan in heavy duty foil and place it in a water bath, etc, etc, etc... It looks pretty beautiful! I wish I could share it with all of you!I know that I will probably regret my rash, immature choices, but for now I am reveling in my rebellion against my tiredness. Hence, this post.

Not good enough

That is the general feeling that I have been feeling lately. So, this week has been really busy with work. I go in at seven o clock and on average leave the school at five thirty or six. I have made some changes regarding behavior management and the students have been responding well. I am getting really attached to the students! I love them so much. I have been getting positive feedback from the teachers I collaborate with and over all had a good week. It has been busy and I have had two interviews, one with canyon school district and one with a charter school in Springville. So... Here's the bummer news. My principal came into my room after school on Friday to let me know that they had filled the position. Bummer. He then proceeded to tell me that for just graduating in December I was doing really great things and that they were really glad to have me here. So, to me it felt like... You are good, but not quite good enough. However, while it is a bummer and I have shed some tears over this I do know somewhere deep inside me that I am a good teacher and a good person. I also have felt prepared by the spirit that I wasn't going to get this job. I walked out of the interview and had this overwhelming feeling that I wasn't going to get this job, but that I would get a job that was a better fit for me. I do think I would prefer an elementary setting. I have an interview at Riverton Elementary on Tuesday with Jordan school district. I am really grateful for this job I have now, it is great experience and my thought is that if the principal meant what he said about me doing a good job, then I can ask for a letter of reccommendation from him. I can only gain positive things from this experience, right? Unfortunately, after the principal left my classroom on Friday I felt so defeated that I just locked up my classroom and went home. So I have to go in early tomorrow to get organized for the day. So, that makes me feel a little nervous.

What a week

I have gotten very very busy now that I have a job. Which is a good thing, it also means that I am much more stressed and tired. It hasn't made time feel like its going faster,necessarily, but it has made each day feel like a year. When I think about some of the things that happened in my classroom on tuesday, it feels like forever ago.

The rose plant that Sherri Uruburu gave me when I moved back to Utah has three new buds!

Church today was incredible! The spirit that was present and the testimonies that were shared were incredible. I stayed awake the whole time! Even during sacrament!

I wish i had an extra day to get ready for the week!

Intentions

A quote I remember well states, "The smallest deed is greater than the grandest intention!". I don't remember who said this wonderful piece of wisdome. It is something that I would do well to remember. I have been intending to write marvelous posts and spend every waking moment preparing for Tuesday. (Tuesday is my second day as a long term sub for south Jordan middle school, but my first day in charge all by myself.). Although these intentions are very wonderful, it means nothing if I do not follow with action. So, today I am trying to do even the tiniest deed and be happy with my progress. I will not be perfect on Tuesday. I am qualified to do the job and I believe I can do it well. My goals for Tuesday include getting there early to settle in for the day, get familiar with the building (I got so lost on Wednesday trying to get from the cafeteria back to my classroom), introduce myself and get to know my students, stay on top of the schedule, go with the flow, and find a person that I can go to with all of my questions and concerns. This might seem pretty ambitious, but this list is actually quite toned down.

How funny that this post is about intentions and I saved this post and never finished it on the day I started it. Well, better late than never, right?

Wednesday was a good day at work. It was very hectic and stressful, but very enjoyable as well. I am trying no t to get so wound up that I cent sleep for tomorrow, because i have faith that if I do my best and trust in Heavenly Father that it will all be fine. Even if it doosnt feel fine in the moment.

My aunts family are gone until next Friday visiting Matthew, their oldest son in Texas. They will stop by Nichole's house too! I wish they had driven to Texas, so I could have just hitched a ride! I miss Nichole, Jeff, and Abigail! So, I have had a big empty house to myself. Thank goodness I have a friend who was lonely too this weekend. We were able to keep each other company this Easter weekend. The message that spoke to me this Easter was one of heavenly father and Jesus christ's great abounding love for every single one of us. I have really been enjoying retreading the general conference talks.

Again, another day has gone by without me completing this post. Today was a busy day of Dr. Appointments and errands. I have been officially diagnosed with fibromyalgia and referred to more doctors. I am grateful for the good health I have. I have no profound thoughts today. I wish I could fast forward this part of my life a little bit.

One exciting thing. I have been taking care of my aunt Linda's sweet peas she planted in her garden before she left on spring break, and they are Sprouting and peeking through the dirt! Seeds are pretty miraculous to me. It's amazing to plant a seed and watch it grow o it's. Full potential. Oh and I met the most adorable two and half year old named Milo at the doctors office. We all had to wait a long time to be seen and so I made friends with him by playing games with him on my iPad. Having an iPad is a Great way to make friends. That was fun.

Well, I going to go to bed early tonight so I can start tomorrow off right.

"Though I do not believe that a plant will spring up where no seed has been,I have great faith in a seed. Convince me that you have a seed there, and I am prepared to expect wonders."
Henry David Thoreau

Before I sleep...

One more thing! I have been listening to this silent on repeat for the last several nights before I go to sleep. I have really been trying to focus on the words because I think they are excellent and very representative of the spot that I am in right now. For those of you who dislike cheesy LDS music... Don't read this post. You have been warned.

It is by Jesse CLARK Funk. Go figure, she's an original Clark too. Hmmm. Anyway, here it is!

Again

I’ve wrestled with demons and darkness.
I’ve wrestled with what has been lost.
I carry this crushing weight on my shoulders
And try not to think of the cost.

It’s more than a single decision.
It’s giving up part of myself.
It’s something I simply can’t do on my own
So I’m pleading with You for Your help.

Chorus-
Again and again
I’ve asked myself why.
I don’t think that I have any tears left to cry.
My soul is so tired and I’m longing for rest.
I’m giving my all and I’m doing my best.
It hurts to move on from the place I am in.

But You understand where I’ve been
And You reassure me it’s time to start over
Again.

I’m finally ready to listen.
I’m finally ready to hear,
Struggling to get a place You can reach me,
Where peace can speak louder than fear.

I can’t see the end of the story.
There’s no way to know how it ends.
For now I let go and I trust You to lead me
And show my heart where to begin.

Repeat Chorus

All of the pain and confusion I’m going through
I’m turning it over to You,
Willing to trust it’s the right thing to do.

Repeat Chorus

Anyhow, it's beautiful and I love it. That's all.

A huge blessing!

Well, I have a job! I am filling a long term sub position as a special Ed teacher of an intellectual disabilities cluster unit for South Jordan Middle School for grades 7-9! I was terrified until I actually went to the classroom, now I am terrified, slightly overwhelmed, and very very excited! I have 13 students who I love already and i am also in charge of peer tutors that come inti my classroom every period. I think it has been a rough year for this class because their teacher quit at the end of January, and there has been a wonderful long term sub till now, but she has a family emergency that she needs to take care of, so now it's me for the rest of the year!

I also have an interview for this exact position for next school year next Thursday. I will be much more prepared this time.

I came home, made yummy fettuccine alfredo, helped make cake balls, and went to the temple to do initiatories. Now, here I am. It's been a long busy day. Here's to hoping I can sleep! And wake up at six! I have to be there at 7:20 tomorrow and I don't have the time to get there ironed out yet. Plus, I don't know what the traffic will be like.

I may have over-did it today

I wanted to day to be a productive day. I woke up, and went out with my aunt with a list of things to accomplish. Post office, check(to my foreign pen pal in Canada, there might be a letter for you in your future...); car wash, check (my car is now clean inside and out and smells nice too!); work out at golds gym, check (I wore my stretchy work out pants so that people would think I was hard core and not look to see that I am lifting barely any weight at all); buy more fabric at Joann's, check (it's pricey to make a quilt); go to the draper library because there are no decent libraries closer to Alpine, check; went shopping at Smiths for cake ball ingredients for the book group meeting on Wednesday, check. The book they read this past month was Racing in the Rain, a dog's story. I hope to read it tomorrow. Then we stopped in to look at T J Maxx and Down East. Two really great stores, too bad things cost money! Ha! By the time we got home it was two something and although I still had many worthy things to accomplish on my list, I felt super tired, discouraged, and very weak. So... I relaxed (helped a tiny bit with dinner, tiny little bit) and then came back to my room again and slept till now.

I am still tired and hopeful that I will sleep through the night, but I am not feeling well and feeling loneliness perhaps. Slight creeping feelings of sadness. So, what did I do? Went to Mormon messages and watched a bunch. The last one i watched tonight featuring Elder Eyring's talk, "Oh, Remember, Remember," posed a question. "Have I seen the Lord's hand in my life today?". Well, I thought. Have I? A blank mind, and then that searching question. I know the Lord is there for me, and that he blesses me daily. I woke up and read my scriptures and said my prayers... Have I seen his hand today? And then, all the blessings overwhelm me. I have seen his hand this day and everyday. How? In what ways? In the timely emails from my friends, in the love from my family, in the support from my aunt daily, in a little child's smile in the store, in the friendly eyes and conversation of the women who cut fabric for my quilt, in the beautiful sunshine, in the strength of my body and the sharpness of my mind, in the spirit that occompanied a conversation in the car today, in the chilly mountain air, and the snow capped mountains. Everywhere I turn, I am blessed! There is hope! Is there sadness too, yes let's not sweep that under the rug. That is a blessing as well as I turn to my Saviors healing atonement to succor me.

Are there new hire papers for Jordan School District that I still need to fill out and print for tomorrows orientation that I can't seem to get the link to work? Yes! But it'll work out. I'll try again tonight, and again in the morning, and then if nothing else I will leave early enough to fill them out there. Does my muscle under my shouldler still hurt like crazy? yes! Did I eat too much sugar today and now have a sour stomach? Yes, and have I seen the Lord's hand in my life today? Yes! I am not alone, there is hope, and He is with me.

Thanks to those of you who were the Lords hands today through emails and etc...

“Both abundance and lack exist simultaneously in our lives, as parallel realities. It is always our conscious choice which secret garden we will tend… when we choose not to focus on what is missing from our lives but are grateful for the abundance that’s present — love, health, family, friends, work, the joys of nature and personal pursuits that bring us pleasure — the wasteland of illusion falls away and we experience Heaven on earth.”
–Sarah Ban Breathnach

A Tribute To My Sister!

My twin sister Nichole is my best friend and she often is my biggest fan.  Well, now it's my turn.  This past Saturday she ran a half marathon!  This is halfway to a goal that she made for herself in high school!  To run a marathon.  Which she will do on June 9th here in Utah!  How cool is that?  Really cool, I say. 

I just wanted her to know how proud I am of her.  She prepared for the race with her little baby girl Abi!  WHich is not easy!  She ran the race in a good time and didn't sustain any injuries.  Congrats Nichole!  You did it!