Confused

Life is a series of learning to let go. I've said this before, and I'll say it again. I feel like I am just along for the ride many times, as soon as I say outloud that life is good and that I am happy (because I really am for a minute, for a day, for a week) I find myself plunged back into the water again. I feel as though I am treading water in a wave pool, that I can't reach the bottom just barely staying above the waves.

I find that after a particulary significant spiritual experience in my life when I know without a shadow of a doubt of the reality of the atonement, the blessings of the gospel, and the strength that the spirit gives us in our lives-then comes "reality" it seems like, when really perhaps this isn't reality at all, but the adversary coming in on cue.

It is so difficult. This journey.

I am worried that I am forgetting. That I am losing Michael. While he was living his presence was tangible and life-changing for me, and just after his death I was just as affected by the affect this had on my life. Now, though he is part of me, I sometimes suprise myself by how easily I forget the little things-that maybe you could say are unimportant- like that the fact that he loved smoothies and how many we made and ate together last summer. I haven't had a homemade smoothie since. I forget what he would tell me. Situations come where I really just want to know his opinoin, I wish he was by my side experiencing what I was experiencing to give me feedback. We had such wonderful communication, and now that is no longer it seems. He is my greatest friend and I miss him.

I made taco soup today, and he would have loved it. He would have basked in his tastebuds and blessed my name for making him dinner. He would tell me about things that brought him joy during the day, or things that frustrated him. How I want to know how he is. I remember the last time I spoke with him on the phone, just talking with him on the phone didn't seem enough. I wanted him to come home so soon because one day without him seemed unbearable. Now, what I would give for a minute to speak to him again, or to even know what he is thinking.

It doesn't seem right that I can live without him, because I surely don't want to. But here I am to stay, to bless others lives apparently... when mostly I just feel to be a burden.