4 years later

It's hilarious, really, that I even remembered that I had created this blog my senior year of high school. It's way late, and I am avoiding sleep, because I know when I do sleep I won't want to wake up. So, for whatever reason, I thought of looking at blogs, and then remembered that I created my own, many moons ago.

I have been watching a lot of movies lately and so finding this after 4 years reminds me a lot of how in movies they switch scenes with only the words 4 years later to help you figure out what happened in between. Four years ago I was miserable... not all the time, but most of the time. I was finishing up my senior year of high school in Illinois. I was hurting inside from years of self-hatred, and self-blame. I was dramatic... very dramatic. I was writing this partly because I didn't feel like I had anyone to turn to, partly because I didn't want anyone to know I was feeling this way, and partly because I did want someone to know how I was feeling. Now? Now I am in Utah, working at an elementary school with so many more experiences under my belt. I have a couple years of college done and a couple more to go. I have met and married the man of my dreams, and he is still the man of my dreams quite literally. He died September 18, 2008 in a freak car accident, and I watched as his spirit left his body. He changed me. He taught me how to be happy. He loved life and loved people. He saw in me someone that I didn't see, and because I loved him I was willing to look for her. He balanced me, he healed me, he helped me so much. He was handsome, charismatic, and always kind. Truly a judge of character is the caliber of his friends, because since he died, all of his friends are now truly my friends too. So why do I write now? To process, to have it written for all to see or not see. To make my own notes of my life, I am writing my own story, my own dreams for the future, like my url says.

Now, with this outlet again... my dear friends that I have not met. I have so many stories to tell, so many people to introduce you to, before you can truly have the context for these dreams that I dream. But now it truly is time for me to dream, the unconsious kind that I don't ever seem to remember :).