Movie Material

I think that my life is pretty cool, in the fact that I have really crazy experiences. Sometimes, they are crazy hard, and sometimes they are crazy good, and most of the time I just feel crazy. Haha! In the last few weeks though I have thought a lot about "my story" and how it would make a really awesome drama. So, I'm thinking in about 20 years I am going to write a book and maybe even turn it into a movie. Who would want to watch or read that? Why YOU of course! My proof? That you are reading my blog right now! Haha! (I think it may be getting late, I think I am pretty funny).

So, who would I get to play me? Well, I have had several people tell me that I remind them of a particular actress. Which is pretty flattering. So I have kept track. Here are the results. Julia Stiles- 1 vote. Katherine Hiegl- 1 vote. Natalie Portman- I vote. Kiera Knightly- 2 votes. Mary Stuart Masterson- 4 votes. All of these women are really beautiful, I think, which is why it is funny that people think I resemble them in some way. Also, interestingly enough, these women don't really look much like each other. So how does that work out? Anyway, who would you have play you in the movie of your life? What role would you play? Victim, Survivor, Hero?

Here are the ladies:

Somebody Loved

Listening to one of my good friends story of how she met and married he husband and best friend gives me hope of happy successful relationships. I really think it is such a wonderful thing when two lives cross paths in such a way that each other's lives is never the same in beautiful indescribable ways.

This week was my last week of ESY and also a week of 8am-4pm training for first year special education teachers called Running Start. I went all day Monday and Friday, and then half days of ESY and training for the rest of the week. With ESY in West Jordan, training in SLC, and home in Alpine for one more week I did a lot of driving! Such a tiring week. How does this apply to my first paragraph? Well, I feel so lucky, blessed, fortunate that I got to know the students that I worked with this summer at ESY. My heart heals when I am around these incredible people. I hope they know how much I love and care for them. It is hard to let them go, and not know where their lives will lead. I question whether I have made a difference or helped them in any tangible ways. What I know without any hesitation is the impact they have had on me. I feel that my soul is enlarged by their presence. They help me be a better me. I see in each of my students such a bright light. A hope for the future. I see how special and how smart they are. I love the challenge of figuring out how to access their strengths. I am grateful that my life has crossed paths with their lives.

I do stress about being "good enough." As a teacher... and just in general. This is why I am so grateful for the atonement, because I know that as I do my best and let the Savior into my life that my inadequacies are swallowed up by his mercy, grace, and love.

Love is such an incredible valuable thing in my life. Although hard to quantity or define, it is what really makes my life worthwhile. To love and be loved- that is my hearts desire in every situation.

I love this song by The Weepies. It's called Somebody Loved (hence the title of this post):

Rain turns the sand into mud
Wind turns the trees into bone
Stars turning high up above
You turn me into somebody loved

Nights when the heat had gone out
We danced together alone
Cold turned our breath into clouds
We never said what we were dreaming of
But you turned me into somebody loved

Someday when we're old and worn
Like two softened shoes
I will wonder on how I was born
The night I first ran away from you

Now my feet turn the corner back home
Sun turns the evening to rose
Stars turning high up above
You turn me into somebody loved

[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/t/the_weepies/somebody_loved.html ]

Thanks for all of you who have turned me into somebody loved!

Another Song, another explanation

So, I have said many time how powerful music is to me... and I like lots of different genres of music. I am definitely a lyrics person, the music part of it can be pretty elementary or "boring" but if the lyrics relate to me I can really appreciate it.

I also feel pretty sensitive (is that the right word) about what people think of the music that I like. Not quite sure what that is all about yet. Still pondering on that one. So, once again as I share this song with it's lyrics, I do so with hesitation. For a couple reasons.

One is because it is a contemporary christian rock song. Which makes me cringe somewhat even typing that so everyone can see. I don't know why but much of Christian Rock makes me cringe, and even some of LDS music does this to me too. However, I must confess that I love the stations that play Sweet Sabbath Sounds on the radio on Sunday, and that much of my high school years I listened pretty exclusively to LDS music.

Two, because well music is a window to the soul, and if I say that I LOVE some song and someone can't see why than I feel like I have to explain it or justify it. Which just so happens to be what I am doing now. Haha.

One more preface... I actually couldn't tell this song was Christian rock until I looked up the artist. I have listened to it over and over since knowing it is Christian Rock and still love it. I would be interested to know what you think.

Closer To You
Shawn McDonald

[Verse 1]
Looking for a color
In a shade of gray,
Looking for love
In a drop of rain.
Trying to change from
The old mundane.
Everything i do just
Feels the same.
Spending my life
Out of the desert.
Been gone so long
Feels like forever.

[Chorus]
I just want to be
Even closer to you.
I just want to
Be even closer.
I am yours.
You can have all of me,
Anything, everything.
I just want to
Be even closer.

[Verse 2]
A day without you
Is a thousand years.
A day without you
Is a million tears.
Tell me why do
I run in fear?
Why do i run when
You are so near?
Spending my life
In the weather.
Been gone so long and
I need some shelter.

[Chorus]
I just want to be
Even closer to you.
I just want to
Be even closer.
I am yours.
You can have all of me,
Anything, everything.
I just want to
Be even closer.

[Bridge]
Wherever you go,
Wherever you are,
I just want to be
There with you.

[Chorus]
I just want to be
Even closer to you.
I just want to
Be even closer.
I am yours.
You can have all of me,
Anything, everything.
I just want to
Be even closer.

[Outro]
Looking for a color
In a shade of gray,
Looking for love
In a drop of rain.


What a strange post. Thanks for bearing with me.

The parable of the two vases

Yesterday was my last counseling session for now.

I have been going pretty steadily to counseling since January of 2006, and feel so blessed and grateful for this process in my life. I have more to say about counseling, which I hope to get to eventually. This post is more about remembering what my counselor said to me as she thought about what she could say to me.

Those of you who know me well, know how much I love quotes, inspirational stories, and life analogies. I feel like Alma when he says in Alma 30, verse 41 But, behold, I have all things as a testimony that these things are true; and ye also have all things as a testimony unto you that they are true; and will ye deny them? Believest thou that these things are true?

Maybe this is why I look for analogies in the everyday things. Through my counseling through LDS Services since March, I have explained to my counselor how I have felt at various times through an analogy that I have thought up. So as she was giving me something to think about as she sent me on my way, she felt it was appropriate to paraphrase the analogy or parable (if you will) of the two vases. I hadn't heard it before, and spent some time searching for a more articulate portrayal of this story, but couldn't find it. So, bear with me, and if you know the original version send it to me!

On a shelf in the home of a beloved artist sat two beautiful hand painted vases. Each was individually crafted and intricately designed. Everyone who entered marveled at their beauty. One day, a careless bump of the shelf sent one of the vases crashing to the floor. The creator, when stumbling upon the shattered piece of artwork was saddened by this, and because he knew how rare the vase was and because he had put so much effort into it to bring it to the beautiful piece that it was, he painstakingly and lovingly glued this vase back together piece by piece. So skilled was the artist, that with the reconstruction of the vase, the untrained eye could not tell that it was lay in pieces. However, upon looking at the inside of the vase one could see the countless cracks and scars that told its painful story. This vase was once again placed on the shelf next to it's counterpart. While the vase and it's creator knew of fall and of the cracks, those who marveled at they beauty of both vases could not ever know by looking at the outside what the one vase had encountered. Sometimes, the once broken, newly repaired vase, despaired at its acquired cracks. It felt weakened and marred by this fall. The creator lovingly reassured the cracked vase that its fall, though painful, did not take away from its beauty, strength, or value. That on the contrary because the vase knew what it was to be broken, how much wisdom and gratitude it gained from this fall.

Now, this was my paraphrase from her paraphrase, but I think the sentiment still shines through the fumbled words (on my part). I almost hesitate to elaborate further because of how significant this parable is to me. It speaks to me of how we are all works of art, hand-painted by an artist who appreciates and loves us so much to not hide us away, but place us on a shelf to be bumped, chipped, and perhaps even broken at times. And, then by the grace of the atonement, we can be made whole again. Although both heaven and the individual know of the cracks and the scars, the value and strength of the person is not diminished but increased. There is wisdom and beauty in the breaking.

One of the cutest girls alive!

Almost a year ago I became an aunt my sisters precious baby girl. How lucky am I? Maybe this picture will give you a glimpse of her cuteness and you can imagine my joy in the fact that I will see her in a few weeks.

Music

My sister sends me music when she thinks of me. She knows I love good lyrics and we both love music, although she is much more musically gifted than I am.

Today she sent me this song.
This is Home by Switchfoot

I've got my memories
They're always
Inside of me
But I can't go back
Back to how it was
I believe it now
I've come too far
But I can't go back
Back to how it was
Created for a place
I've never known

[Chorus:]
This is home
Now I'm finally
Where I belong
Where I belong
Yeah, this is home
I've been searching
For a place of my own
Now I've found it
Maybe this is home
Yeah, this is home

Belief over misery
I've seen the enemy
And I won't go back
Back to how it was
And I've got my heart set
On what happens next
I've got my eyes wide
And it's not over yet
We are miracles
And we're not alone

(Chorus)

And now after all
My searching
After all my questions
I'm gonna call it home
I've got
A brand new mindset
I can finally see
The sunset
I'm gonna call it home

(Chorus)

Now I know
Yeah, this is home
I've come too far
And I won't go back
Yeah, this is home

It's a beautiful song. I really relate to the verses, and long to relate the chorus.

I am grateful today for all that I have presently. (if I say it enough maybe I'll start to feel it).

My, how time flies!

Pretty sure the saying goes like this. "Time flies when you're having fun!" I'd like to amend it to just, "Time flies." It is already the end of July and I haven't written a post in months. So much has happened. I have so much to say yet can't seem to find the right words. In fact, I just sat and stared at the last sentence that I wrote for several minutes. I need to worry less and do more I think.

Sigh. I am going to do a catch up post I think. Briefly chronicling my life since May. I loved my time at South Jordan Middle School. It was a great, difficult experience. My last day was June first and so bittersweet. I miss the students so much. I need to remember to write down in a more private location everything I love and remember about the awesome people that I get to work with aka my students. It was also so nice to be done with school and have a break. My sister came to Utah at the beginning of June to run in the Utah Valley Marathon. She has wanted to do this for a long time, and I am so proud of her although I do think she is a little crazy! Crazy awesome! I was very happy to drive Nichole, Jeff and Abigail around and help them coordinate everything for their races. I was most happy about getting to spend lots of quality time with Abigail, who in my book is one of the cutest little girls in the entire world. After the marathon weekend, Jeff went back to Texas to work and Nichole and I played. We visited people she hasn't seen in years, ate at some of her favorite places to eat, went shopping, swimming, got pedicures, and enjoyed being with each other. We then went to Moab for our mother's side of the family, family reunion. It was so good to see family. Moab is such a cool place. I would like to go back and spend more time dedicated to the hikes! I then began teaching ESY for Jordan School District. So fun!! I can honestly say with all my heart that I love teaching Special Education. I love the people I get to work with and I love the students. I think it is very fulfilling and worthwhile work. What a blessing it is to work hard at good honest work. I'm pretty sure that is a President Hinkley quote. I have been so lucky that many of my amazing friends from Rochester have ties to Utah and that they think of visiting me on their trips to see family! I have been hiking with Celeste and Ben Peterson to Donut Falls. Such a pretty hike and such awesome people. I spent a week in Idaho with Katie and Eric Christensen for the Fourth of July. What a fun week. We went swimming, to the zoo, ate yummy food, and I gave them my parakeets. So, here's a shout out to all who read this blog. Come visit me! I promise to return the favor when possible! I am now in Ohio visiting my parents for a few days. I have one more week of ESY and then the summer is basically over for me. I move into my new apartment in West Jordan on August 7th, and start training for my position as a real live special education teacher. Crazy! Scary! Exciting! In August I fly to San Antonio as a birthday present to myself and my twin for a few days, and then a couple days after I come back I start my first day on the job. I like to joke that I am finally a real person now that I have a job with a salary. We'll see if that is the case.

And now a few emotions. What would a blog post from me be without some good old fashioned feelings? Just plain crazy, I say. I think a lot about my life. How it has played out so far, what is to come, and if I am where I want to be or who I want to be. I think this has it's pros and cons. The pros are that I am very in tune with what is going on inside my heart. I am able to see how I can improve. I am more aware of how other people feel and how they are doing. A big con that I have noticed is that while I am in the middle (and I seem to be in the middle a lot lately) of big changes and transitions, all of my thinking translates into worry, confusion and discouragement. Which can at times lead me into a negative cycle where I second guess everything I am. I seem to be constantly battling myself at every turn. I have experienced a lot of life in my short almost 25 years. I have loved and lost. I don't regret any of it, but I definitely mourn these losses. I love life. I know true happiness and I also know sadness and pain. I try to maintain positive and grateful throughout it all, and I think I succeed in a large measure. However, more than appearing happy I want to truly be happy and I want to be real. I do want more than anything to be true to myself. Being happy to put others at ease is not real happiness, and leaves me feeling empty and misunderstood. In a world where you can be anything, be yourself, right? So here I am. Being true to myself means acknowledging the sadness, confusion, and pain that is a constant companion for me these days. I am not sad every minute. Life is good. It sneaks up on me and frustrates some of the most pleasant days. I wonder when I will feel whole again. I wonder when I will be at peace with everything. I wonder when I will have understanding and have answers to my soul-deep questions. I know it will come. I just am ready to be miles and months ahead of where I presently am. I am comforted by the knowledge that there is a being who knows my thoughts and desires, who sees me as I really am and who finds me worth saving, worth loving. I know that there is a place for me in this life and in the life to come, although I do not know all the details and despite feeling out of place and out of sorts. I sure wish I did know at least a few of the details. That, however is not God's way, and not what faith is all about. So, there is a tiny window into my heart and mind. Time to shut my eyes and sleep. Even my dreams are confusing lately.

Things I have learned in the past five months

In many ways, I consider myself a very impatient person. Whether or not you agree, first hear me out. I have innately been ready and eager to jump into things without calculating risk or danger. My moms favorite stories to tell about me come from times that I Do not remember. The first one is that whenever she said that it was time to make dinner she had to be sure she was actually ready because I would go get a chair and get the big knifes out ready to make dinner. This is when I was two or so. The second one is from when I was 18 months and I decided I was going to learn how to cut with scissors. My mom relates that every day I would practice and practice for an extended period of time and eventually I got the hang of it. However, Nichole my twin sister waited until she was Developmentally ready for this task and cut with scissors easily the first time which was about the same time that I mastered the skill. I think these two stories are pretty indicative of my personality and approach to life. Because of this head first approach, I have had many times were life has felt overwhelming, discouraging and just more than I bargained for. I feel that the challenges that I have faced lately have taught me valuable things that I don't want to forget.

I have been reminded that everything will be made right in the end and if it isn't right now than it isn't the end. I feel very strongly that just because life does not turn out the way you think it will, that it doesn't mean that it isn't worthwhile or beautiful still. In the midst of difficult things there is still so much good in my life and in the world. I have also learned much more about faith and trust in my heavenly father. That every experience in my life is basically another case study of how to let go of the things that I cannot control, turn to my creator and place my life in his hands. That no matter the choices that I make and no matter how hard I try to dot every I and cross every t, that I will make mistakes and I will endure some pain either because of my own folly or because of the gift of agency which allows others the chance to make choices that impact our lives both positively and negatively. I have learned a great amount about humility and integrity and honesty. I have learned that if I do my very best with my heart in the right place that things will work out. They won't be perfect or even enjoyable at the time but in the end my efforts are good enough.

These things are not all new and earth shattering. In fact, many are old truths that have been brought to the surface with a different experience fortifying my testimony and indelibly shaping my character.

I am so excited for my job in the fall. I am also nervous and worried, because these Are also traits that are part of who I am. I have three and a half days left at my long term sub position and I am ready for a break. I love the students that I have worked with and will they have left their fingerprints on my heart forever. I become so attached to people so easily and quickly that I will really miss these amazing students. I often look into their faces and wonder about where they will be in a few years. I get excited and worried for them. I love being a teacher and hope that I can get the training and support to really make a difference in someone's life.

I am looking for an apartment close to where I will be working in the fall with my friend Alexay who will be attending dental school in the area. The apartments that we have found are much nicer and much more expensive than we want. I'm talking about apartments that have pools, fitness centers, marble counter tops and every amenity you could think of. It all amounts to a pretty penny to pay monthly. While I am excited for some of the luxury things, I am not excited about the price. Hopefully we can find something less elaborate and more in our price range. I think I am just spoiled from renting apartments in Provo for so long.

Anyhow. Tomorrow is memorial day and I have it off! Hurray!

Good things come to those who wait...

So, remember that amazing interview I had at Kauri Sue Hamilton? Well, I got offered the job today and I accepted it! I am officially a real person. I graduated and got a real job! I have to give a shout out to Celeste Peterson who made this all possible. Why, you may wonder? I'll tell you why because she called several weeks ago when I needed it the most (that girl listens to the spirit, I tell you what) and asked if there was anything that she could do a million miles away in Rochester. At the time I couldn't think of anything, but a week or so later when I was so overwhelmed by this long term sub position that I am in and I was too busy or tired to apply for more jobs. The thought popped into my head, I bet Celeste would help me apply on teachers-teachers.com. Which is a website that I had already put all my info on. So, anyhow this is as much her victory as mine and without her I may or may not have applied to kauri sue in the first place.

I have been asked recently how I do it sometimes. How do I go through such hard things like losing a husband and still maintain my testimony? And not that I have all the answers by any means, or that I have done it all on my own because of my own greatness. In fact it is quite the opposite. It is in choosing to place one foot in front of the other and to look to the light in the middle of darkness knowing that your prayers are heard and answered and that the reason you can't see the blessings yet is because they are on their way. The only way I know how to live is by believing that it is all worth it and that my best is good enough because of the atonement of Jesus. Christ. I am constantly reminded that everyone goes through their own intense agony, whether it be public or private and that we would be nothing were it not for the saving grace and the the sacrifice of our heavenly fathers only begotten son, Jesus Christ.

Anyhow, I am grateful! Speech over.

Uncharted

I've had this post open in the safari browser of my iPad for over a week. Maybe two. Wanting to write about my life and not wanting to write about my life, because the reality of it all is so apparent to me. Yet, to capture it all in words is a daunting task. I have much more to say than I have time to write. Added to that pressure is the burden of knowing that what I say today may very change by tomorrow. I have goods days followed by rough days, and while I know what I know.... It's hard not to feel what I sometimes feel. Those two things can be hard to reconcile. The knowing and the feeling. I feel very much like this portion of my life is uncharted as defined by dictionary.com. "Not shown or located on a map; unexplored; unknown place or region." This could seem very frightening or very adventurous. I, as one who like to have things mapped out with a reassurance that I am going the right way,keep looking for familiar landmarks to help me know what is next, or how far I am from the half-way point or something! So, after all that ambitious vague-ness how about a little concrete info about my life concerning the job hunt. I have had six (count them) six real live interviews that were not screening interviews and I have had umpteen screening interviews. It's a little draining putting yourself out there over and over again with no feedback except rejection. From the myriad of responses I have received from valued sounding boards here is a sample of the support/advice I have received. "don't take it personally." "be grateful you have had so many interviews." "it's so hard to find teaching jobs in Utah because the market in so saturated with highly qualified candidates." "but, special Ed jbs are in high demand right, so finding a job will be easy."To which I smile and nod and say, "yeah, you're right." Because they all are right, to a certain degree. In my head, however, (and online apparently) I can't help but think after I have now been rejected for the fifth time (still awaiting one response) I feel like saying, it IS personal to me! If a situation where you are being sized up and scrutinized to determine your worth as an investment isn't personal, I guess I don't know what personal is. More on the positive. The interview that I had yesterday was amazing. It was for a certified teacher (I still laugh when I hear myself say that, which maybe I shouldn't admit out loud or on line) At Kauri Sue Hamilton. A entire school for students with disabilities ages 5 through 20. Amazing! It is a brand new school, this is it's third year, which means the building is amazingly beautiful and would be a wonderful place to work aesthetically. Not to mention, the population of students is just my style, which means, children requiring intensive support! The staff and the administration of the this school was very warm, welcoming, and very supportive. Laid back, is what they called themselves. I think this job would be a really excellent fit, and I have not felt this excited about any of the other jobs I have interview for to date. So, hears to having faith for whatever is meant to be!Its been a tough week all in all. However, I love my job and wholeheartedly agree that "Life does not have to be perfect to be wonderful." sometimes I wish for the opportunity to have my days videoed at school, so that I can see the bigger picture, because in the middle of it all I find myself feeling pulled out to sea by the current. Maybe if I were to be on the outside looking in I would find that I am closer to the shore than I realize. Listen to me... With all my cheesy metaphors and stuff. Oh dear.I listen to music all the time and find myself piecing words and phrases together that I relate to remind me who I am and what is important to me. I wish that I could effectively relay that message to you. I do the same thing as I read and re-read general conference. I read article after article and feel that I could copy and paste the meaningful paragraphs into a personalized letter from heavenly father to me. I know that there is divinity inside me that grasps onto the things that remind me of who I am and where I come from, and to ultimately where I go. I struggle in my daily strivings to glimpse it all.

Cheesecake!

Why am I up at this hour? Shouldn't I be in bed? Why yes! I should! Instead I just finished making a decadent cheesecake. It felt pretty great making such a wonderful dessert for absolutely no other reason than because I wanted to, even though I didnt really have the time or energy to do so. The only thing about cheesecake is for me who really is a fan of instant gratification, I sure have to wait a while to enjoy the fruits of my labors. Good things come to those who wait, right? Today was a pretty rough day in some regards. I felt so tired and ragged by the end of the day, I was tempted to again turn my back to the never ending work that I feel so obligated to attack and go home and curl up in bed. Instead I scrounged up the energy to write the schedule for the next day on the board and then found a boundless source of energy to which I looked at my long list of to dos and slowly did be after another. Then, I looked at my list and added a few more to make up for the things I just completed. I left the school around six fifteen, went to the store, came home ate dinner, read scriptures with the fam, and started this cheesecake adventure at about 9:00! Can you believe it? I wish I had the picture of how many bowls it took to make this delicate dessert. Or how I had to wrap the springform pan in heavy duty foil and place it in a water bath, etc, etc, etc... It looks pretty beautiful! I wish I could share it with all of you!I know that I will probably regret my rash, immature choices, but for now I am reveling in my rebellion against my tiredness. Hence, this post.

Not good enough

That is the general feeling that I have been feeling lately. So, this week has been really busy with work. I go in at seven o clock and on average leave the school at five thirty or six. I have made some changes regarding behavior management and the students have been responding well. I am getting really attached to the students! I love them so much. I have been getting positive feedback from the teachers I collaborate with and over all had a good week. It has been busy and I have had two interviews, one with canyon school district and one with a charter school in Springville. So... Here's the bummer news. My principal came into my room after school on Friday to let me know that they had filled the position. Bummer. He then proceeded to tell me that for just graduating in December I was doing really great things and that they were really glad to have me here. So, to me it felt like... You are good, but not quite good enough. However, while it is a bummer and I have shed some tears over this I do know somewhere deep inside me that I am a good teacher and a good person. I also have felt prepared by the spirit that I wasn't going to get this job. I walked out of the interview and had this overwhelming feeling that I wasn't going to get this job, but that I would get a job that was a better fit for me. I do think I would prefer an elementary setting. I have an interview at Riverton Elementary on Tuesday with Jordan school district. I am really grateful for this job I have now, it is great experience and my thought is that if the principal meant what he said about me doing a good job, then I can ask for a letter of reccommendation from him. I can only gain positive things from this experience, right? Unfortunately, after the principal left my classroom on Friday I felt so defeated that I just locked up my classroom and went home. So I have to go in early tomorrow to get organized for the day. So, that makes me feel a little nervous.

What a week

I have gotten very very busy now that I have a job. Which is a good thing, it also means that I am much more stressed and tired. It hasn't made time feel like its going faster,necessarily, but it has made each day feel like a year. When I think about some of the things that happened in my classroom on tuesday, it feels like forever ago.

The rose plant that Sherri Uruburu gave me when I moved back to Utah has three new buds!

Church today was incredible! The spirit that was present and the testimonies that were shared were incredible. I stayed awake the whole time! Even during sacrament!

I wish i had an extra day to get ready for the week!

Intentions

A quote I remember well states, "The smallest deed is greater than the grandest intention!". I don't remember who said this wonderful piece of wisdome. It is something that I would do well to remember. I have been intending to write marvelous posts and spend every waking moment preparing for Tuesday. (Tuesday is my second day as a long term sub for south Jordan middle school, but my first day in charge all by myself.). Although these intentions are very wonderful, it means nothing if I do not follow with action. So, today I am trying to do even the tiniest deed and be happy with my progress. I will not be perfect on Tuesday. I am qualified to do the job and I believe I can do it well. My goals for Tuesday include getting there early to settle in for the day, get familiar with the building (I got so lost on Wednesday trying to get from the cafeteria back to my classroom), introduce myself and get to know my students, stay on top of the schedule, go with the flow, and find a person that I can go to with all of my questions and concerns. This might seem pretty ambitious, but this list is actually quite toned down.

How funny that this post is about intentions and I saved this post and never finished it on the day I started it. Well, better late than never, right?

Wednesday was a good day at work. It was very hectic and stressful, but very enjoyable as well. I am trying no t to get so wound up that I cent sleep for tomorrow, because i have faith that if I do my best and trust in Heavenly Father that it will all be fine. Even if it doosnt feel fine in the moment.

My aunts family are gone until next Friday visiting Matthew, their oldest son in Texas. They will stop by Nichole's house too! I wish they had driven to Texas, so I could have just hitched a ride! I miss Nichole, Jeff, and Abigail! So, I have had a big empty house to myself. Thank goodness I have a friend who was lonely too this weekend. We were able to keep each other company this Easter weekend. The message that spoke to me this Easter was one of heavenly father and Jesus christ's great abounding love for every single one of us. I have really been enjoying retreading the general conference talks.

Again, another day has gone by without me completing this post. Today was a busy day of Dr. Appointments and errands. I have been officially diagnosed with fibromyalgia and referred to more doctors. I am grateful for the good health I have. I have no profound thoughts today. I wish I could fast forward this part of my life a little bit.

One exciting thing. I have been taking care of my aunt Linda's sweet peas she planted in her garden before she left on spring break, and they are Sprouting and peeking through the dirt! Seeds are pretty miraculous to me. It's amazing to plant a seed and watch it grow o it's. Full potential. Oh and I met the most adorable two and half year old named Milo at the doctors office. We all had to wait a long time to be seen and so I made friends with him by playing games with him on my iPad. Having an iPad is a Great way to make friends. That was fun.

Well, I going to go to bed early tonight so I can start tomorrow off right.

"Though I do not believe that a plant will spring up where no seed has been,I have great faith in a seed. Convince me that you have a seed there, and I am prepared to expect wonders."
Henry David Thoreau

Before I sleep...

One more thing! I have been listening to this silent on repeat for the last several nights before I go to sleep. I have really been trying to focus on the words because I think they are excellent and very representative of the spot that I am in right now. For those of you who dislike cheesy LDS music... Don't read this post. You have been warned.

It is by Jesse CLARK Funk. Go figure, she's an original Clark too. Hmmm. Anyway, here it is!

Again

I’ve wrestled with demons and darkness.
I’ve wrestled with what has been lost.
I carry this crushing weight on my shoulders
And try not to think of the cost.

It’s more than a single decision.
It’s giving up part of myself.
It’s something I simply can’t do on my own
So I’m pleading with You for Your help.

Chorus-
Again and again
I’ve asked myself why.
I don’t think that I have any tears left to cry.
My soul is so tired and I’m longing for rest.
I’m giving my all and I’m doing my best.
It hurts to move on from the place I am in.

But You understand where I’ve been
And You reassure me it’s time to start over
Again.

I’m finally ready to listen.
I’m finally ready to hear,
Struggling to get a place You can reach me,
Where peace can speak louder than fear.

I can’t see the end of the story.
There’s no way to know how it ends.
For now I let go and I trust You to lead me
And show my heart where to begin.

Repeat Chorus

All of the pain and confusion I’m going through
I’m turning it over to You,
Willing to trust it’s the right thing to do.

Repeat Chorus

Anyhow, it's beautiful and I love it. That's all.

A huge blessing!

Well, I have a job! I am filling a long term sub position as a special Ed teacher of an intellectual disabilities cluster unit for South Jordan Middle School for grades 7-9! I was terrified until I actually went to the classroom, now I am terrified, slightly overwhelmed, and very very excited! I have 13 students who I love already and i am also in charge of peer tutors that come inti my classroom every period. I think it has been a rough year for this class because their teacher quit at the end of January, and there has been a wonderful long term sub till now, but she has a family emergency that she needs to take care of, so now it's me for the rest of the year!

I also have an interview for this exact position for next school year next Thursday. I will be much more prepared this time.

I came home, made yummy fettuccine alfredo, helped make cake balls, and went to the temple to do initiatories. Now, here I am. It's been a long busy day. Here's to hoping I can sleep! And wake up at six! I have to be there at 7:20 tomorrow and I don't have the time to get there ironed out yet. Plus, I don't know what the traffic will be like.

I may have over-did it today

I wanted to day to be a productive day. I woke up, and went out with my aunt with a list of things to accomplish. Post office, check(to my foreign pen pal in Canada, there might be a letter for you in your future...); car wash, check (my car is now clean inside and out and smells nice too!); work out at golds gym, check (I wore my stretchy work out pants so that people would think I was hard core and not look to see that I am lifting barely any weight at all); buy more fabric at Joann's, check (it's pricey to make a quilt); go to the draper library because there are no decent libraries closer to Alpine, check; went shopping at Smiths for cake ball ingredients for the book group meeting on Wednesday, check. The book they read this past month was Racing in the Rain, a dog's story. I hope to read it tomorrow. Then we stopped in to look at T J Maxx and Down East. Two really great stores, too bad things cost money! Ha! By the time we got home it was two something and although I still had many worthy things to accomplish on my list, I felt super tired, discouraged, and very weak. So... I relaxed (helped a tiny bit with dinner, tiny little bit) and then came back to my room again and slept till now.

I am still tired and hopeful that I will sleep through the night, but I am not feeling well and feeling loneliness perhaps. Slight creeping feelings of sadness. So, what did I do? Went to Mormon messages and watched a bunch. The last one i watched tonight featuring Elder Eyring's talk, "Oh, Remember, Remember," posed a question. "Have I seen the Lord's hand in my life today?". Well, I thought. Have I? A blank mind, and then that searching question. I know the Lord is there for me, and that he blesses me daily. I woke up and read my scriptures and said my prayers... Have I seen his hand today? And then, all the blessings overwhelm me. I have seen his hand this day and everyday. How? In what ways? In the timely emails from my friends, in the love from my family, in the support from my aunt daily, in a little child's smile in the store, in the friendly eyes and conversation of the women who cut fabric for my quilt, in the beautiful sunshine, in the strength of my body and the sharpness of my mind, in the spirit that occompanied a conversation in the car today, in the chilly mountain air, and the snow capped mountains. Everywhere I turn, I am blessed! There is hope! Is there sadness too, yes let's not sweep that under the rug. That is a blessing as well as I turn to my Saviors healing atonement to succor me.

Are there new hire papers for Jordan School District that I still need to fill out and print for tomorrows orientation that I can't seem to get the link to work? Yes! But it'll work out. I'll try again tonight, and again in the morning, and then if nothing else I will leave early enough to fill them out there. Does my muscle under my shouldler still hurt like crazy? yes! Did I eat too much sugar today and now have a sour stomach? Yes, and have I seen the Lord's hand in my life today? Yes! I am not alone, there is hope, and He is with me.

Thanks to those of you who were the Lords hands today through emails and etc...

“Both abundance and lack exist simultaneously in our lives, as parallel realities. It is always our conscious choice which secret garden we will tend… when we choose not to focus on what is missing from our lives but are grateful for the abundance that’s present — love, health, family, friends, work, the joys of nature and personal pursuits that bring us pleasure — the wasteland of illusion falls away and we experience Heaven on earth.”
–Sarah Ban Breathnach

A Tribute To My Sister!

My twin sister Nichole is my best friend and she often is my biggest fan.  Well, now it's my turn.  This past Saturday she ran a half marathon!  This is halfway to a goal that she made for herself in high school!  To run a marathon.  Which she will do on June 9th here in Utah!  How cool is that?  Really cool, I say. 

I just wanted her to know how proud I am of her.  She prepared for the race with her little baby girl Abi!  WHich is not easy!  She ran the race in a good time and didn't sustain any injuries.  Congrats Nichole!  You did it!

Interview day ...

So, it was just a screening interview for Jordan School District, but an interview still the same. I was pretty nervous for it anyway! I had made plans to go to the temple on Thursday to get a little extra help/peace from on high, but applied to jobs till it was too late to go. Sometimes if I get started doing something that really has no end, I can go for a really long time. The same thing is true with cleaning. Sometimes if I start, I won't stop til everything is clean. Also, I was making up for a slow start in the morning. Anywho, back to my original point. I didn't go to the temple. So, I seT myself an alarm for 6:45 and told myself I would go before the interview. HA! That didn't happen. My interview was at nine o clock in South Jordan, but somehow I got it in my head that it was at ten... So I pushed snooze several times, and luckily woke up at 8:18... I slowly was getting ready when suddenly I thought oh no! I have the time wrong. Checking in my calendar confirmed that I was going to be LATE. So I hurriedly got ready (I didn't even shower... Don't tell anyone, but with this great new hair cut it is super easy to do curly and looks pretty great I think). I was out the door at 8:45 it the directions said it would take 45 minutes to get there. So, I am silently freaking out in my head, but I called the woman who was to interview me and told her of my mistake, and that I would be late. I didn't tell her how late! She said ok, but I thought, "there is no way they are going to hire me now, I'm already 20 points behind because I am late."

I pressed on anyway, praying to Heavenly Father to somehow lend a hand here. I made it in 30 minutes, not 45, so that was a blessing. Then I just had to get control of my nerves and present myself well. Teaching interviews, even screening interviews, can be pretty hard core. They actually want to know what you know. I wish they gave you a study guide...that would really be helpful. This interview was pretty hard core, and on a couple of the questions I completely blanked! Completely. The worst part was, it was a question about procedural safeguards for parents given in IDEA (special Ed law!). Name five of the proceedurAl safeguards... And I blanked. I remember being tested on this is class and I passed obviously, but nothing was coming to me. "um, I know you have to tell the parents everything in a letter before you do anything." (Prior Written Notice) That was all I could think of... The woman interviewing me coaxed four more out of me... I was sweating and felt pretty dumb. That is a BASIC thing to know, and an important one. Needless to say, I didn't think it was my greatest interview ever. However, I did apply to be sub for their district now, and so at the end of the interview she asked me about that and took me down to see the women who handles that end of things. While we were walking down, she asked me if I would be able to start subbing for a long term sub position on the 5th, which I said, "Of course." Apparently they have had an opening that they did not anticipate, in a middle school self-contained special ed classroom, and that they would need that filled for next year too. She then said, "It isn't where we thought we would put you initially, but didn't anticipate this opening." This really shocked me that I was being considered anywhere... Was it my 15 minutes of tardiness or that I blanked on the easiest question ever that assured her of my abilities. So whatever that means. I said a very heart felt thank you prayer on the way home.

I then came home to reAd an email in response to my resume and cover letter to be a volunteer coordinator for the Utah County Crisis Line. I would be in charge of recruiting and training volunteers to staff the 24 hour crisis line. How cool would that be? I have an interview on April 13th for that. It's part time so maybe I would even be able to do it and sub at the same time. We'll see.

I then proceeded to take a LONG midday nap, and woke up at 3:15 from really really odd dreams about holding hands with a random kid from high school... I dont think that means anything... My aunt Linda and I took apart their old porch swing, drove it to Uncles Vernon's nephew's house, reassembled it, and then bought a Colorado Blue Spruce for my great aunt Nola. In a big wind sorry a while ago, all her big beautiful trees were knocked over, so Linda wanted to get her a new one. isn't that so sweet? We had dinner at Wallaby's in Pleasant Grove, and let me tell you it was fast, delicious and not too pricey. They served the most delicious rolls I have ever eaten! I ended the day painting Daniels wall white... There was just this little built in bookshelf that needed to be painted and so I thought that it wouldnt take too long! Was I ever wrong! Even though we were painting over light blue, we will need at least two coats of paint. Linda came in to see my progress and told me that the black wall was much easier to paint and I responded, "Black does cover a multitude of sins." I could expound on this analogy and relate it to life... But I'm not going to. If you come up with a good one, let me know.

So, that was my day. I am ready for general conference tomorrow!

Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day...

I have a very dear friend who has an ever increasing selection of movies. She is very generous in letting me borrow the ones I haven't seen. Every time I borrow some movies, there are at least five or six that I haven't seen. She is better than Netflix or Redbox. Plus. She has excellent taste in movies. I just watched Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day... And I found it delightful. Lately, watching movies serves as a meaningful escape. Its better than watching an episod of a tv show because it has an ending that mostly leaves me satisfied. It helps me pass the time, because, right now I seem to have a lot of it. This will not always be the case, but today it is.

I spent the day with my aunts, shopping. It was wonderful and tiring. These three women are some of the kindest people I know. They love each other and they love me, and it was really nice to be with them today. We spent a lot of time looking for an elusive outfit for Marilyn to wear at her daughter Kate's impending wedding. Kate, who like me, is her mothers youngest daughter. She also, like me, was widowed at a very young age after a short time being married. She is getting married again, hopefully in May and I wish her great happiness. Her colors are chocolAte brown and fushia, which are beautiful colors, but brown is not in the stores right now so we searched high and low for anything today. We found something, not super great but a possibility.

I also bought some fabric for a strip quilt. I am very excited. Because without my aunts talent, fabric, and machines... This would never happen on its own. I tried to find a picture but I failed. I used the colors from my favorite pillow, a find from IKEA. The colors are dark blue, a lighter grayer blue, a mustard yellow, dark red, and green. I'm excited to see how it turns out.

Anyhow, I have been feeling a bit blue today despite all the wonderful beautiful things around me. So, I came home and watched this movie. The premise is this. A nanny gets fired from her job and trying to prove her worth basically steals what she thinks is a nanny position, but instead is a social secretary for a woman who is trying to become a star. It is quite comical, and endearing. What came across to me was that if you are true to who you are you will end up with what you really want after all.

I love that. Well, today I took a break from the job hunt. Tomorrow I will try again.