My, how time flies!

Pretty sure the saying goes like this. "Time flies when you're having fun!" I'd like to amend it to just, "Time flies." It is already the end of July and I haven't written a post in months. So much has happened. I have so much to say yet can't seem to find the right words. In fact, I just sat and stared at the last sentence that I wrote for several minutes. I need to worry less and do more I think.

Sigh. I am going to do a catch up post I think. Briefly chronicling my life since May. I loved my time at South Jordan Middle School. It was a great, difficult experience. My last day was June first and so bittersweet. I miss the students so much. I need to remember to write down in a more private location everything I love and remember about the awesome people that I get to work with aka my students. It was also so nice to be done with school and have a break. My sister came to Utah at the beginning of June to run in the Utah Valley Marathon. She has wanted to do this for a long time, and I am so proud of her although I do think she is a little crazy! Crazy awesome! I was very happy to drive Nichole, Jeff and Abigail around and help them coordinate everything for their races. I was most happy about getting to spend lots of quality time with Abigail, who in my book is one of the cutest little girls in the entire world. After the marathon weekend, Jeff went back to Texas to work and Nichole and I played. We visited people she hasn't seen in years, ate at some of her favorite places to eat, went shopping, swimming, got pedicures, and enjoyed being with each other. We then went to Moab for our mother's side of the family, family reunion. It was so good to see family. Moab is such a cool place. I would like to go back and spend more time dedicated to the hikes! I then began teaching ESY for Jordan School District. So fun!! I can honestly say with all my heart that I love teaching Special Education. I love the people I get to work with and I love the students. I think it is very fulfilling and worthwhile work. What a blessing it is to work hard at good honest work. I'm pretty sure that is a President Hinkley quote. I have been so lucky that many of my amazing friends from Rochester have ties to Utah and that they think of visiting me on their trips to see family! I have been hiking with Celeste and Ben Peterson to Donut Falls. Such a pretty hike and such awesome people. I spent a week in Idaho with Katie and Eric Christensen for the Fourth of July. What a fun week. We went swimming, to the zoo, ate yummy food, and I gave them my parakeets. So, here's a shout out to all who read this blog. Come visit me! I promise to return the favor when possible! I am now in Ohio visiting my parents for a few days. I have one more week of ESY and then the summer is basically over for me. I move into my new apartment in West Jordan on August 7th, and start training for my position as a real live special education teacher. Crazy! Scary! Exciting! In August I fly to San Antonio as a birthday present to myself and my twin for a few days, and then a couple days after I come back I start my first day on the job. I like to joke that I am finally a real person now that I have a job with a salary. We'll see if that is the case.

And now a few emotions. What would a blog post from me be without some good old fashioned feelings? Just plain crazy, I say. I think a lot about my life. How it has played out so far, what is to come, and if I am where I want to be or who I want to be. I think this has it's pros and cons. The pros are that I am very in tune with what is going on inside my heart. I am able to see how I can improve. I am more aware of how other people feel and how they are doing. A big con that I have noticed is that while I am in the middle (and I seem to be in the middle a lot lately) of big changes and transitions, all of my thinking translates into worry, confusion and discouragement. Which can at times lead me into a negative cycle where I second guess everything I am. I seem to be constantly battling myself at every turn. I have experienced a lot of life in my short almost 25 years. I have loved and lost. I don't regret any of it, but I definitely mourn these losses. I love life. I know true happiness and I also know sadness and pain. I try to maintain positive and grateful throughout it all, and I think I succeed in a large measure. However, more than appearing happy I want to truly be happy and I want to be real. I do want more than anything to be true to myself. Being happy to put others at ease is not real happiness, and leaves me feeling empty and misunderstood. In a world where you can be anything, be yourself, right? So here I am. Being true to myself means acknowledging the sadness, confusion, and pain that is a constant companion for me these days. I am not sad every minute. Life is good. It sneaks up on me and frustrates some of the most pleasant days. I wonder when I will feel whole again. I wonder when I will be at peace with everything. I wonder when I will have understanding and have answers to my soul-deep questions. I know it will come. I just am ready to be miles and months ahead of where I presently am. I am comforted by the knowledge that there is a being who knows my thoughts and desires, who sees me as I really am and who finds me worth saving, worth loving. I know that there is a place for me in this life and in the life to come, although I do not know all the details and despite feeling out of place and out of sorts. I sure wish I did know at least a few of the details. That, however is not God's way, and not what faith is all about. So, there is a tiny window into my heart and mind. Time to shut my eyes and sleep. Even my dreams are confusing lately.