Uncharted

I've had this post open in the safari browser of my iPad for over a week. Maybe two. Wanting to write about my life and not wanting to write about my life, because the reality of it all is so apparent to me. Yet, to capture it all in words is a daunting task. I have much more to say than I have time to write. Added to that pressure is the burden of knowing that what I say today may very change by tomorrow. I have goods days followed by rough days, and while I know what I know.... It's hard not to feel what I sometimes feel. Those two things can be hard to reconcile. The knowing and the feeling. I feel very much like this portion of my life is uncharted as defined by dictionary.com. "Not shown or located on a map; unexplored; unknown place or region." This could seem very frightening or very adventurous. I, as one who like to have things mapped out with a reassurance that I am going the right way,keep looking for familiar landmarks to help me know what is next, or how far I am from the half-way point or something! So, after all that ambitious vague-ness how about a little concrete info about my life concerning the job hunt. I have had six (count them) six real live interviews that were not screening interviews and I have had umpteen screening interviews. It's a little draining putting yourself out there over and over again with no feedback except rejection. From the myriad of responses I have received from valued sounding boards here is a sample of the support/advice I have received. "don't take it personally." "be grateful you have had so many interviews." "it's so hard to find teaching jobs in Utah because the market in so saturated with highly qualified candidates." "but, special Ed jbs are in high demand right, so finding a job will be easy."To which I smile and nod and say, "yeah, you're right." Because they all are right, to a certain degree. In my head, however, (and online apparently) I can't help but think after I have now been rejected for the fifth time (still awaiting one response) I feel like saying, it IS personal to me! If a situation where you are being sized up and scrutinized to determine your worth as an investment isn't personal, I guess I don't know what personal is. More on the positive. The interview that I had yesterday was amazing. It was for a certified teacher (I still laugh when I hear myself say that, which maybe I shouldn't admit out loud or on line) At Kauri Sue Hamilton. A entire school for students with disabilities ages 5 through 20. Amazing! It is a brand new school, this is it's third year, which means the building is amazingly beautiful and would be a wonderful place to work aesthetically. Not to mention, the population of students is just my style, which means, children requiring intensive support! The staff and the administration of the this school was very warm, welcoming, and very supportive. Laid back, is what they called themselves. I think this job would be a really excellent fit, and I have not felt this excited about any of the other jobs I have interview for to date. So, hears to having faith for whatever is meant to be!Its been a tough week all in all. However, I love my job and wholeheartedly agree that "Life does not have to be perfect to be wonderful." sometimes I wish for the opportunity to have my days videoed at school, so that I can see the bigger picture, because in the middle of it all I find myself feeling pulled out to sea by the current. Maybe if I were to be on the outside looking in I would find that I am closer to the shore than I realize. Listen to me... With all my cheesy metaphors and stuff. Oh dear.I listen to music all the time and find myself piecing words and phrases together that I relate to remind me who I am and what is important to me. I wish that I could effectively relay that message to you. I do the same thing as I read and re-read general conference. I read article after article and feel that I could copy and paste the meaningful paragraphs into a personalized letter from heavenly father to me. I know that there is divinity inside me that grasps onto the things that remind me of who I am and where I come from, and to ultimately where I go. I struggle in my daily strivings to glimpse it all.