What am I doing???

Well, it is extremely late and I am extremley tired. So what am I doing? WEll, today we celebrated Emily's birthday. It was fun. I made a cake while Nichole went to the Kunzelman's. What a great family, I wish I could be more like them. I talk to President Kunzelman today, he asked me about school. Bad topic. He asked me about reading scriptures, bad topic. I wish that I could have been more like NIchole, and answered him the way he wanted to be answered. I don't think I should have the calling I have. So much for faith. Carol is so tired. She won't be able to be at the Ettiquette Banquet, which we have morphed into a parent appreciation night. I wish I knew what to do for Carol. Sigh... Carol Reinoehl has to be the most angelic person I know. I also wish I was more like her. The Air Force called our house tonight. Recruiting stuff. Yeah, I am a sucker. I can't say no. He is coming to Robinson tomarrow and I let him think I was interested. I could be interested if I had confidence. Let me focus on one thing to write about. Here it is. Someone I wish I knew. She is someone who knows me and love me, or at least I would hope so. I think I know her, and then again I don't. She tucked me in when Mom was too busy to do so, she called me her fairy and she teased me mercilessly. She played with me, and loved me. SHe told me what I needed to know to grow up, but still let me be a kid. She has class, she has suffered lonliness, peer pressure, self-discovery (which is still happening I think), of all kinds. She is artistic and determined. She has a way with people, and holds her head high. She can pick out what she needs to do and will do it. SHe always did dishes with me. SHe loves music and she loves people. SHe loved me when I felt like no one else did. When Mike always got all the attention and Dad favored Nichole, and when Amy and I fought. SHe would come in and tuck me in. Just the way I liked it. I have always deep down inside wanted to be just like her,and yet completely different. Because I know that no one can ever be her equal she is always a step ahead. So, like a minion, I have tried to do it all, like I have seen her do and sadly I have been beaten down by myself. In the face of danger, which I often find looks a lot like a reflection in a mirror, I have cowered. I have given up, surrendered, and thus lost the fight. Some might say the war isn't over, there are other battles to be won. Even still, each battle brings the war closer to the end, and each outcome determines the final result. This battle cannot be taken back, I have lost it. So, even now today, when I see her, I find all in her that reminds me of me, and I loathe it. I hate it. That she is like me makes me wish I was never alive, because then maybe things would be different. I don't know why I write degrading things about myself. It doesn't do any good and I know that. PLus, I know that God loves me. SO that has tobe worth more than my own opinoin. Times up. Oh and by the way. That was my sister. My tragic figure, like in a Grecian Tragedy.
Natalie