Sad feelings

So the past few days have been regular normal, run of the mill days, and then the evening has come with an emptiness, loneliness and sadness that rivals some of my saddest moments. I don't say this for sympathy or pity. I share it because it is a part of me, my life, and my journey toward creating my own happiness amidst it all.

While in this state I get on the internet and search out quotes. I find this to be therapeutic. I also search for songs, but you know this already. So I have a quote and a couple songs I have found .

"Sadness gives depth. Happiness gives height. Sadness gives roots. Happiness gives branches. Happiness is like a tree going into the sky, and sadness is like the roots going down into the womb of the earth. Both are needed, and the higher a tree goes, the deeper it goes, simultaneously. The bigger the tree, the bigger will be its roots. In fact, it is always in proportion. That's its balance." -- Osho

I love that. That is how I experience both sadness and happiness. They are part of the same plant. Speaking of plants, today for my science lesson I taught about how seeds grow into plants. It's pretty miraculous how that happens. How everything the seed needs to grow is inside itself, and it needs is the right atmosphere to completely transform itself. I showed my class a Youtube video called "The One Seed." At the end it talks about ideas can be like seeds. Something small that given the proper care and environment leads to large movements. I really liked that parallel.

Which leads me to my first latest favorite song, called "Whole Wide World," by Mindy Gledhill. It was introduced to me by a friend who is taking this song and using it as the inspiration behind battling life's challenges by literally walking 100 miles, like the song lyrics suggest. It's amazing. I listen to it probably every day.

So, youtube it. Here are the lyrics.
WHOLE WIDE WORLD
Mindy Gledhill

I’m gonna walk a hundred miles
I’m gonna whistle all the while
If that’s what it takes to make me smile
I’m gonna walk a hundred miles

I’m gonna run right up this hill
Summer sky or winter chill
If I gotta take a break I will
But I’m gonna run right up this hill

Chorus:
I wanna hold the whole wide world
Right here in my open hands
Maybe I’m just a little girl
A little girl with great big plans

I’m gonna go and take a chance
I’m gonna learn to ballet dance
Learn a little something ‘bout romance
I’m gonna go and take a chance

I’m gonna live a crazy dream
Impossible as it may seem
Doesn’t matter what the future brings
I’m gonna live a crazy dream

[Chorus]

You tell me, “don’t try it”
I’m warning you that I won’t buy it
All failure is fleeting
I trust it always has its meaning

[Chorus]

It is such a positive song that articulates how anything is possible when you decide you want to do something and go for it. No matter who you are. Even if you are just a "little girl."

As many of you are aware, my first husband died in a car accident 4 years ago on September 18th. He is my love. I will always love him. Great guy, he taught me so much. My brother found this song called "Jealous of the Angels" by Jenn Bostic. Here are the lyrics. This is definitely one you will want to youtube as well.

"I didn't know today would be our last
Or that I'd have to say goodbye to you so fast
I'm so numb, I can't feel anymore
Prayin' you'd just walk back through that door
And tell me that I was only dreamin'
You're not really gone as long as I believe

There will be another angel
Around the throne tonight
Your love lives on inside of me,
And I will hold on tight
It's not my place to question,
Only God knows why
I'm just jealous of the angels
Around the throne tonight

You always made my troubles feel so small
And you were always there to catch me when I'd fall
In a world where heroes come and go
Well God just took the only one I know
So I'll hold you as close as I can
Longing for the day, when I see your face again
But until then

God must need another angel
Around the throne tonight
Your love lives on inside of me
And I will hold on tight
It's not my place to question
Only God knows why
I'm just jealous of the angels
Around the throne tonight

Singin' hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
I'm just jealous of the angels
Around the throne
Tonight"

Yup, there are hardly words to express all the thoughts and feelings related to this, and this may not be the best place to process that "stuff." So... there are the thoughts and words of others that my soul has responded to lately.

Another message that I have viewed and pondered daily is the mormon message entitled "The Will of God." The transcript is excerpts from D. Todd Christofferson's general conference talk, "As Many As I Love, I Rebuke and Chasten."

"I would like to speak of one particular attitude and practice we need to adopt if we are to meet our Heavenly Father’s high expectations. It is this: willingly to accept and even seek correction.

God uses another form of chastening or correction to guide us to a future we do not or cannot now envision but which He knows is the better way for us. President Hugh B. Brown, formerly a member of the Twelve and a counselor in the First Presidency, provided a personal experience. He told of purchasing a rundown farm in Canada many years ago. As he went about cleaning up and repairing his property, he came across a currant bush that had grown over six feet (1.8 m) high and was yielding no berries, so he pruned it back drastically, leaving only small stumps. Then he saw a drop like a tear on the top of each of these little stumps, as if the currant bush were crying, and thought he heard it say:

“How could you do this to me? I was making such wonderful growth. … And now you have cut me down. Every plant in the garden will look down on me. … How could you do this to me? I thought you were the gardener here.”

President Brown replied, “Look, little currant bush, I am the gardener here, and I know what I want you to be. I didn’t intend you to be a fruit tree or a shade tree. I want you to be a currant bush, and someday, little currant bush, when you are laden with fruit, you are going to say, ‘Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for loving me enough to cut me down.’”

Years later, President Brown was a field officer in the Canadian Army serving in England. When a superior officer became a battle casualty, President Brown was in line to be promoted to general, and he was summoned to London. But even though he was fully qualified for the promotion, it was denied him because he was a Mormon. The commanding general said in essence, “You deserve the appointment, but I cannot give it to you.” What President Brown had spent 10 years hoping, praying, and preparing for slipped through his fingers in that moment because of blatant discrimination. Continuing his story, President Brown remembered:

“I got on the train and started back … with a broken heart, with bitterness in my soul. … When I got to my tent, … I threw my cap on the cot. I clenched my fists, and I shook them at heaven. I said, ‘How could you do this to me, God? I have done everything I could do to measure up. There is nothing that I could have done—that I should have done—that I haven’t done. How could you do this to me?’ I was as bitter as gall.

“And then I heard a voice, and I recognized the tone of this voice. It was my own voice, and the voice said, ‘I am the gardener here. I know what I want you to do.’ The bitterness went out of my soul, and I fell on my knees by the cot to ask forgiveness for my ungratefulness. …

“… And now, almost 50 years later, I look up to [God] and say, ‘Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for cutting me down, for loving me enough to hurt me.’”

So powerful and applicable to each of our lives. It reminds me of my little rose plant that I have learned to prune so that it will continue to flower.

That's all for now.